This past weekend, I was part of a wonderful thing-something that made me cry and made me proud to live in my community. Recently, a friend's son was diagnosed with Stage IV Neuroblastoma (see post "I just don't understand"). Our community has rallied to support this family in ways that are simply amazing~meals are scheduled for the next few months, carpooling for the other kids has been coordinated, notes and cards of encouragement and support are dropped off daily and many events are being planned in an effort to raise money to help with medical costs associated with his care and treatment.
The first fundraising event, "HOT CHOCOLATE FOR CHARLIE" occurred this past Saturday. It was an outdoor fundraiser where people could come, have coffee and hot chocolate, socialize and enjoy the crisp winter day. We had a clown there who made balloon figures for kids and a brownie troop sold brown ribbons with a purple heart to raise money. We sold homemade goodies that included cookies, cupcakes and rice krispie treats. People milled around and socialized while kids ran around playing.
"Team Charlie" hoped for a good turnout but nobody expected what we got: hundreds of families coming out, many who don't know the family but want to support them. At the end of the day, we had leftover goodies that were pack up to be sent to CHOP (The Childrens Hospital of PA) for kids who are staying there. The Brownie Troupe counted their money and handed over $500.00, just from selling their pins. The unofficial accountants for the "Team Charlie" bake sale took the cash raised over to the bank and tallied it up. It's amazing what a simple idea, a little hard work and a lot of love can accomplish. HOT CHOCOLATE FOR CHARLIE, a small community fundraiser, earned over $5,000.00 to help this family. It was inspiring.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Lumps
About 3 1/2 weeks ago, during a self breast exam, I felt some things that just weren't right.I made an appointment with my GYN and today she confirmed that they are indeed, lumps. Monday I'm going for a diagnostic mammogram.
I know there are a million things that this could be (or not be). I'm not in panic mode about what it may (or may not) be, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am.
Please send some good vibes my way. Thanks.
==
UPDATE: And after a very stressful mammogram and ultrasound, I do not have cancer. I also don't have time to write everything I want to write about this experience but I did want to update. My heart goes out to any man or woman who experiences this but received a cancer diagnosis. Wishing you all peace.
I know there are a million things that this could be (or not be). I'm not in panic mode about what it may (or may not) be, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am.
Please send some good vibes my way. Thanks.
==
UPDATE: And after a very stressful mammogram and ultrasound, I do not have cancer. I also don't have time to write everything I want to write about this experience but I did want to update. My heart goes out to any man or woman who experiences this but received a cancer diagnosis. Wishing you all peace.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I Just Don't Understand...
Less than 3 weeks ago, I went Cross-Country Skiing with a friend. We spent a lot of time talking about her son, Charlie, who has been having some strange health problems. Charlie is her "baby" and turned 3 on December 26. But instead of celebrating his birthday that day, he was admitted to Childrens Hospital Of PA (CHOP) and his parents were given his diagnosis: Cancer. Neuroblastoma. Stage 4.
When I think about Charlie and his prognosis, I feel physically ill. And I want to wrap my arms around both of them and hug them and make them feel safe and make all the cancer go away. I hope with all my heart that Charlie beats the odds and his treatments cure him. Statistically, due to his age and the status of his cancer, the odds are against him. However, there are kids who make up the small statistic of those who survive and remain cancer free. There's no reason why Charlie can't be one of those kids. But my mind can't help but going to that dark place some times.
A long time ago, I gave up my belief in an all powerful all mighty God who controls all of the awful things that happen in this world. But I haven't given up on the Almighty God and the power of prayer for strength. For anyone who reads this, I ask you to keep Charlie and his Mom, Julie, in your prayers. Ask that Charlie has the physical stamina to thrive through the harsh treatments he'll undergo, and ask that Julie will continue to have the unbelievable strength that she has as she watches her son struggle with this awful disease while at the same time, finding the balance between caring for Charlie and caring for her 2 girls at home.
When I think about Charlie and his prognosis, I feel physically ill. And I want to wrap my arms around both of them and hug them and make them feel safe and make all the cancer go away. I hope with all my heart that Charlie beats the odds and his treatments cure him. Statistically, due to his age and the status of his cancer, the odds are against him. However, there are kids who make up the small statistic of those who survive and remain cancer free. There's no reason why Charlie can't be one of those kids. But my mind can't help but going to that dark place some times.
A long time ago, I gave up my belief in an all powerful all mighty God who controls all of the awful things that happen in this world. But I haven't given up on the Almighty God and the power of prayer for strength. For anyone who reads this, I ask you to keep Charlie and his Mom, Julie, in your prayers. Ask that Charlie has the physical stamina to thrive through the harsh treatments he'll undergo, and ask that Julie will continue to have the unbelievable strength that she has as she watches her son struggle with this awful disease while at the same time, finding the balance between caring for Charlie and caring for her 2 girls at home.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Untitled
Today, I got blindsided by grief and sadness. I can't really say why. Nothing extraordinary happened. I didn't hear any good or bad news regarding pregnancies or babies. Joey and Laura are doing well and life is, generally, really good.
Except that for whatever reason, my heart aches tonight and I am sad. Tears flooded my eyes as I realized that this heavy feeling is from missing Hannah, Ryan and Abby and what could have been...
I am not a person who can close her eyes and imagine life with three 6 year old triplets running around. I don't know if I can't do it because I won't do it or if I won't do it because I can't do it, but either way, I don't imagine life with Hannah, Ryan and Abby. What I do wonder is who they would have been and what they would look like.
If I could take a short journey back in time, there is no doubt that I would travel back to the week they were born. It would be unbelievably painful to relive that week, but I can no longer remember what it felt like to hold them. Right now, I long to hold them, smell them and feel that overwhelming sense of love that comes right after your child is placed in your arms. And even though it would be unbelievably painful to relive that week, it would be worth the pain to remember.
Hannah, Ryan and Abby~I love you and I miss you so very much.
Except that for whatever reason, my heart aches tonight and I am sad. Tears flooded my eyes as I realized that this heavy feeling is from missing Hannah, Ryan and Abby and what could have been...
I am not a person who can close her eyes and imagine life with three 6 year old triplets running around. I don't know if I can't do it because I won't do it or if I won't do it because I can't do it, but either way, I don't imagine life with Hannah, Ryan and Abby. What I do wonder is who they would have been and what they would look like.
If I could take a short journey back in time, there is no doubt that I would travel back to the week they were born. It would be unbelievably painful to relive that week, but I can no longer remember what it felt like to hold them. Right now, I long to hold them, smell them and feel that overwhelming sense of love that comes right after your child is placed in your arms. And even though it would be unbelievably painful to relive that week, it would be worth the pain to remember.
Hannah, Ryan and Abby~I love you and I miss you so very much.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
TC
Tonight, for some strange reason, I sat at my computer and googled, "The Triplet Connection" and when it loaded, I learned that I'm still signed in as a member.
I didn't really do anything on the site. I entered the general forum and browsed some topic titles but didn't open any of them. Then I went to the bereaved parents section and did the same thing. And then I logged out. I spent about 2 minutes there, at the most.
I'm not negating that I gave birth to triplets whom I continue to love and cherish, but I'm certainly not part of the moms of multiples community and I found that I wasn't really interested in reading any of the posts. There was a time, while I was pregnant and even after Hannah, Ryan and Abby were born, when I spent a lot of time pouring over posts, first feeling very connected to the world of multiples, then desperately trying to hold on to my right to belong in that world. I spent a lot of time working through this with my grief shrink and she helped me realize how toxic the site had become for me. I knew I needed to stop going there, but it took a long time before I was able to do so.
I'm not sure why I went there tonight or what I hoped it would accomplish. Now I'm not sure why I'm even writing about it because honestly, what I felt during that 2 minutes was completely indifferent and detached.
Even now, thinking about it, it seems very bizarre.
I didn't really do anything on the site. I entered the general forum and browsed some topic titles but didn't open any of them. Then I went to the bereaved parents section and did the same thing. And then I logged out. I spent about 2 minutes there, at the most.
I'm not negating that I gave birth to triplets whom I continue to love and cherish, but I'm certainly not part of the moms of multiples community and I found that I wasn't really interested in reading any of the posts. There was a time, while I was pregnant and even after Hannah, Ryan and Abby were born, when I spent a lot of time pouring over posts, first feeling very connected to the world of multiples, then desperately trying to hold on to my right to belong in that world. I spent a lot of time working through this with my grief shrink and she helped me realize how toxic the site had become for me. I knew I needed to stop going there, but it took a long time before I was able to do so.
I'm not sure why I went there tonight or what I hoped it would accomplish. Now I'm not sure why I'm even writing about it because honestly, what I felt during that 2 minutes was completely indifferent and detached.
Even now, thinking about it, it seems very bizarre.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
10/29/09 The Present
This morning, I woke up and knew my week was over. I didn't jump out of bed with pure joy and energy, but that's because I never do that. However, I did feel different. The best way I can explain it is that even though I was up late watching baseball, I awoke today feeling less tired than I have the past few days.
Although I did have my moments, all in all, it was probably my easiest anniversary week so far. It was the first year that I didn't go through their memory boxes, look at their pictures and spend private time with each of them. During the day, I didn't have the time. I could have done it at night, after the kids were in bed but for whatever reasons, I didn't. And I'm okay with that.
Yesterday was Abby's birthday. I didn't sit and write anything in her memory because, again, I didn't have time. Although a larger than normal part of my heart was with my eternal babies this week, my focus was on my children who are here with me. I know Hannah, Ryan and Abby understand that they are quietly with me always, even when Joey and Laura are loudly demanding my attention.
Yes, this year was easier, by far. Perhaps in a few weeks or months I will want to sit and spend some time going through their tangible things and maybe then I will really cry, but right now, I'm warm inside knowing that they are with me, always and that my life is full. I am living in the present and it's a good place to be.
Although I did have my moments, all in all, it was probably my easiest anniversary week so far. It was the first year that I didn't go through their memory boxes, look at their pictures and spend private time with each of them. During the day, I didn't have the time. I could have done it at night, after the kids were in bed but for whatever reasons, I didn't. And I'm okay with that.
Yesterday was Abby's birthday. I didn't sit and write anything in her memory because, again, I didn't have time. Although a larger than normal part of my heart was with my eternal babies this week, my focus was on my children who are here with me. I know Hannah, Ryan and Abby understand that they are quietly with me always, even when Joey and Laura are loudly demanding my attention.
Yes, this year was easier, by far. Perhaps in a few weeks or months I will want to sit and spend some time going through their tangible things and maybe then I will really cry, but right now, I'm warm inside knowing that they are with me, always and that my life is full. I am living in the present and it's a good place to be.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
~~Ryan~~
My first thought today was of the son I will never know~the son who, of all my children, had the most peaceful entrance into the world. My son Ryan. He was so small and looked so gentle; perfect. And yet, I didn't have time for tears this morning because Joey woke early so I had to get up and start the day. Today was a crazy, hectic day. I took Joey to karate then piled 2 more kids into my car and brought all of them home to my house for the day. I'm helping a friend who needs help and the only way I can actually do anything is to take her kids for her, so I spent the entire day with (3) 4 year olds and a 2 year old. Needless to say, my brain was busy today and now I'm tired.
Somewhere inside me, there is a longing to sit with a little boy who never will grow up. I want to look at his picture and go through his things and try to remember the smell of him, through his blanket-even though it has long since faded. But today is not the day that it will happen. I can hear the music of Tigger and Pooh so I know I have less than 2 minutes until Joey and Laura start wandering, looking for me. And, at 5:15, I need to start dinner and the night time routine. No, this is not the day to go through Ryan's box, or write him a note, or spend a lot of quiet time "with" him. But even though it was a happy and busy day, when I did have a quick moment, my thoughts went to my son on his 6th birthday.
I love you Ryan and I miss you, my sweet boy.
Somewhere inside me, there is a longing to sit with a little boy who never will grow up. I want to look at his picture and go through his things and try to remember the smell of him, through his blanket-even though it has long since faded. But today is not the day that it will happen. I can hear the music of Tigger and Pooh so I know I have less than 2 minutes until Joey and Laura start wandering, looking for me. And, at 5:15, I need to start dinner and the night time routine. No, this is not the day to go through Ryan's box, or write him a note, or spend a lot of quiet time "with" him. But even though it was a happy and busy day, when I did have a quick moment, my thoughts went to my son on his 6th birthday.
I love you Ryan and I miss you, my sweet boy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
