Laura woke up at 5:15 this morning then after eating, she fell right back asleep. She's not really a snuggle-kid, so I love that she does cuddle right in and falls back asleep after nursing like this. I'll miss that when she's weaned...
Anyway, after listening to her light snoring for a few minutes, I decided to put her back in the crib and take a 6:15 a.m. spinning class. I'm not a morning person so the thought of working out in the morning isn't all that appealing to me, but I was already up. I considered going back to bed for a little bit, and believe me it was tempting, but I knew R would be getting up soon and I was already wide awake, so I decided to go for it.
Midway through the class my mind was blank, my legs were burning, and my towel was soaked. I heard the music and the instructor barking motivational commands, but my brain wasn't really processing either of them. I wasn't thinking about anything, really, until a random thought popped into my head: In the past 6 years, this is the longest I've gone without taking massive doses of infertility drugs or feeling the weight of stress that comes from being a high risk pregnancy.
When I finished the class this morning I was proud of myself. I felt strong and I was ready to enjoy my day. When I was going through infertility treatments or pregnant the hormones and stress stripped me of these feelings, and with each attempt, it became more and more difficult to regain them. I was left feeling robbed of my confidence and it's only now that I'm getting it back.
When I think of all we've been through emotionally, physically and financially, I know closing the door on treatments and pregnancy is the right thing to do for my family and for myself. I'm sure there will be moments of sadness, especially as Laura gets further and further away from being a baby, but today, as I think about my life, I feel happy about where I'm headed and relieved that infertility is no longer part of my future.
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Plan Is Working
Yesterday was my 39th birthday. It's a fairly inconsequential birthday number, except that it now puts me in the final year of my 30's.
When R and I talked about what we wanted to do this day, I told him there was a local 5K race I wanted to run in, as a family. I told him I didn't want him to run beside me (he's much faster than I am) I wanted to do this at my own pace, for myself and by myself, but that at the end of the race, I would love for him and the kids to be there to cheer me on.
However, when we woke up yesterday, the weather was cool and drizzling-not exactly great running weather. We decided to do it anyway but as we pulled up to the race area, the drizzle had turned to rain. R decided it would be better to drop me off and take the kids to breakfast, rather than run with them. I was a little bummed, but I waved goodbye and ran off to get my race number. About a minute before the race was to go off, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see R with the double jogger and the kids all bundled up snug. Joey was blissfully eating Dunkin Donuts Munchkins and Laura sat happy as a lark, just taking it all in.
My face must have looked puzzled because R said "As I was driving away, I realized we should be out here as a family, so we came back to run". Before I could say anything, the race started and we both set off.
It didn't take long before he was well in front of me and fading out of my sight. I stayed focused on my breathing and kept a slow steady pace. Even though I could no longer see R, it was nice to know he was there.
I have run several races since Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, but I always ran them without emotion. This race was different for me-inwardly, I felt different. As I neared the finish line, I saw R, dripping wet in the rain and as I ran past him, he and Joey cheered me on while Laura sat looking out, cooing and smiling. It gave me the courage and the boost I needed to pick up my pace and sprint to the finish line.
I finished the race in 27 minutes and 42 seconds-just under a 9 minute pace. It wasn't even close to a personal best for me but I didn't care. As I crossed that finish line, hearing my son and my husband cheering me on, I was beaming inside and out.
See, what was different for me yesterday wasn't just that my family was there, supporting me. What was different for me yesterday, was that I felt strong.
When R and I talked about what we wanted to do this day, I told him there was a local 5K race I wanted to run in, as a family. I told him I didn't want him to run beside me (he's much faster than I am) I wanted to do this at my own pace, for myself and by myself, but that at the end of the race, I would love for him and the kids to be there to cheer me on.
However, when we woke up yesterday, the weather was cool and drizzling-not exactly great running weather. We decided to do it anyway but as we pulled up to the race area, the drizzle had turned to rain. R decided it would be better to drop me off and take the kids to breakfast, rather than run with them. I was a little bummed, but I waved goodbye and ran off to get my race number. About a minute before the race was to go off, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see R with the double jogger and the kids all bundled up snug. Joey was blissfully eating Dunkin Donuts Munchkins and Laura sat happy as a lark, just taking it all in.
My face must have looked puzzled because R said "As I was driving away, I realized we should be out here as a family, so we came back to run". Before I could say anything, the race started and we both set off.
It didn't take long before he was well in front of me and fading out of my sight. I stayed focused on my breathing and kept a slow steady pace. Even though I could no longer see R, it was nice to know he was there.
I have run several races since Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, but I always ran them without emotion. This race was different for me-inwardly, I felt different. As I neared the finish line, I saw R, dripping wet in the rain and as I ran past him, he and Joey cheered me on while Laura sat looking out, cooing and smiling. It gave me the courage and the boost I needed to pick up my pace and sprint to the finish line.
I finished the race in 27 minutes and 42 seconds-just under a 9 minute pace. It wasn't even close to a personal best for me but I didn't care. As I crossed that finish line, hearing my son and my husband cheering me on, I was beaming inside and out.
See, what was different for me yesterday wasn't just that my family was there, supporting me. What was different for me yesterday, was that I felt strong.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
