Who Do You Miss The Most?

I received one of those "get to know you" emails today-the kind that asks you a bunch of questions so your friends can "get to know you" better. Usually I delete them without responding, but this one was from my 12 year old niece, so I decided to answer the questions and send it back to her. The 4th question down asked: "Who do you miss the most?"

I typed Hannah, Ryan and Abby's names and went on to #5. But later, I began to really think about this question and my answer. Do I miss Hannah, Ryan and Abby? Can I miss them if I never really had the chance to know them?

Surely I miss the opportunity to raise them, teach them and parent them. I miss the opportunity to know them, watch their personalities develop and help shape their values and morals. But does this mean I miss them, as people, or do I miss the opportunity of them?

I don't know.

When I was pregnant, I imagined who they would be, based on their movements. Abby was always kicking and jabbing me , hard and often. I dreamed I would be chasing her around the house because she was my wild one. Hannah was active but her kicks were more gentle-like bumps, so even though I felt her often, I pictured her to be quieter, more gentle and feminine. And Ryan, he wouldn't kick often, but when he did, it was constant and furious. He was my sweet little boy but he had a strong spirit and a stubborn side.

When I was pregnant with Joey, he kicked and moved all the time. Once, he kicked me so hard he knocked the wind out of me. I was sure he would be on-the-go nonstop. But when Joey was born, he was about as mellow as a baby could be. As a child, he can still sit and focus on something for a long period of time without getting bored and he's gentle and calm.

Laura almost never kicked me. Many times, I would panic because long stretches would pass without any movement and I would head to labor and delivery for an ultrasound-thankfully to learn that she was fine. Based on my pregnancy with her, one would expected her to be super laid-back. But Laura's nickname is "Spit-and-Beans" shortened from "a spit-fire who is full of beans". She is up at 5:45 every morning and is raring to go. There is nothing mellow about her.

When I think of the dreams I had for Hannah, Ryan and Abby while I was pregnant, I realize now that they were just that: dreams. There is no way to know who they would have become or how they would have grown because I didn't have the chance to learn that about them. And realizing how wrong I was about my living children, I realize too that the dreams I had about them probably aren't even close to the reality of who they would have been.

So, almost 5 years after they were born, when I think of a question like #4, "Who do you miss the most"? I feel confused. Is it possible to miss a person you never knew? Or is what I feel more of a longing for them? Is there a difference between missing and longing? I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is a love that I still carry deep within me and how much I miss sharing that love with them.

Maybe you don't need to know someone well to miss them, maybe you only need to love them.

I just don't know...

Remembering...

Today, I started to swap my winter for spring clothes in my closet. Hannah, Ryan and Abby's memory boxes sit on a corner shelf, high up in a safe location of my closet and as I went through my stuff, my eyes kept going back to their boxes.

Finally, I put my clothing project aside and did what I knew my heart wanted to do: I took down their boxes, sat on my bed and went through them. It's been a long time since I've done this. I carefully looked at each baby's photo, tracing the outline of their faces with my finger. I took out Abby's hat and turned it inside out to see the tiny spec of skin that remains in it-tangible evidence that she wore this hat. I inhaled deeply to try and draw the scent from Hannah's blanket. I know the scent has long since faded but as I inhaled, my mind could so clearly smell her. It made my eyes fill with tears...

At the bottom of each box, I keep all the letters I've written to them. The top letter of Ryan's box was one I wrote to the three of them, this past Christmas. I won't share all it, but I am going to share some~

Dear Hannah, Ryan and Abby,

Our tree is lit, a fire is burning and soft Christmas music is playing in the background. I have a rare moment to myself right now and I'm feeling so peaceful and happy. This morning was magical: Joey was in awe of the tree and of Santa's arrival and Laura was blissfully unaware of the spirit of Christmas that surrounded us.

However, now in this quiet moment, I think of you. As I feel the warmth of the fire, my heart aches for you. There has not been a single day that I haven't thought about you and I still miss you terribly. Time has worn the edges of my pain, softened them, but thankfully, it has not changed my love for you. It has been 4 years now and you are still very much a part of me and who I am.

As the years go by, I wonder if a time will come when I won't think about you every day. I can not and will not allow myself to hold onto grief and force myself to think about you daily just to keep your memory "alive". It's just not my way, and yet I still do think about you every day-it just sort of happens without any conscious effort. My thoughts are not always filled with the deep sorrow that I had in my early days of recovery~but they are always filled with love......
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There is always love but today there is also deep sorrow.