I Miss The Crib!!

Yesterday was day 2 of the big boy bed.

I put Joey down for nap/quiet time (he's transitioning out of the nap but still needs down time/quiet time) and I heard him chatting away for a while then it got quiet, so I went downstairs to straighten up and have some of my own quiet time.

Later, I went back upstairs and heard him chatting again so I decided to get him "up". I opened the door and there he was, sitting on his bed, blissfully playing-his entire room was covered in tissues/tissue bits he had ripped up. Upon hearing the door open, he looked at me and said, with utter joy, "Look Mom, I made a tissue world"

I want the crib back.

Milestones!

Well~today is a huge day in our household. First, it started with Laura taking three wobbly steps then collapsing in my arms, full in a fit of laughter. She was so proud of herself and full of giggles as she did it again. Her face lit up in complete bliss. I just love to watch kids do new things-they get such a kick out of themselves and think they are so great. I do too.

Then, the mailman delivered a package to our door. That the mail truck drove up our driveway in and of itself is enough to bring Joey complete joy, but the fact that the package was for him made it all the more exciting. Although I knew what was inside (I did order it, after-all) I wondered what he would think. Would he really be happy about the contents? Would he care at all? Would there be dissapointment that the package didn't contain a toy, but rather, it had sheets and a comforter inside?

There was only one way to find out and that was to open it. I saw the confusion on his face when he saw what was inside, but then we took the comforter out of the bag and laid it on the floor and he beamed and exclaimed, "Hey-Mom, there's a digger right there. And a dump truck. And a steam roller. And a backhoe. And a...(okay, you get the point)"

While the bedding was in the wash, he helped me move his new big boy bed from the guest room into his room. Then, instead of quiet time today, he helped me make his new bed. I left his crib set up because I expected am adjustment period and thought it might be easier for him if we did a slow transition-perhaps a few days or a week of naps in the bed but nights in the crib, then a few nights in the bed before we take the crib out.

At bedtime, he wanted me to lay in bed with him and read him stories. I thought maybe he was scared to be alone in his new bed, so I asked him: "Are you nervous, honey?" "No Mom, but it's really cozy in my bed so I want to share it with you"

Who would have thought?

Then, before I left he said, "Mom, I think we should take my crib out tomarow. I don't need it anymore"

So much for transition.

No less then 10 minutes after I put him down, R came home from a late meeting. He went upstairs to say goodnight to Joey before he fell asleep and to check out his new bed but wouldn't you know it-Joey was already sound asleep.

Seems he's adjusted pretty well.

I think I had a harder time with this change than he did! Now if I could only get him to go on the potty....

Losing Another Piece...

While pregnant with Hannah, Ryan and Abby, like any new mom to be, I had dreams about what they would look like and who they would be like. I was thrilled to have both genders and I would imagine me dressing them, the girls in fancy dresses and Ryan in a dapper outfit and taking them out. I also looked forward to their rooms-decorating them and then helping my kids decorate as they got older. I have always believed that a bedroom is a great place for a child to express him/herself and that they should be allowed some creative freedom to decorate their own rooms.

I had decided that since Hannah, Ryan and Abby would probably be small and it would be easier for R and me, that they would share a room after they were born, so I "designed" a room that would be appropriate for both girls and a boy. When I was pregnant with Joey, I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about whether or not I wanted to change the room or keep the theme and color scheme the same. In the end, I decided that I love the room and that I wanted to keep it. I did give away the boy crib bedding I had gotten for Ryan and bought a new one for Joey. I just couldn't bear the thought of another child using Ryan's bedding, even though Ryan had never used it. And, I didn't want Joey to have to "share" his bedding with a memory of what should have been...

While I was pregnant with them, the room got painted, I set up a crib and had furniture, but that was as far as I had gotten before I went on bed-rest. There were no wall decorations, no pictures, no books, no trucks or toys. The room was basically "sterile" and it stayed that way for almost a year and half, until just after Joey was born. It was then that I was able to personalize it for Joey and it is now Joey's room, not Hannah, Ryan and Abby's room.

The other day, Joey told me he wanted a truck bed (his friend has one). I'm not running out to buy him a truck bed tomorrow, but I do recognize that it's just a matter of time before the room is too "baby" for him.

When the day comes that I have to swap the baby colors for big boy ones and pack up all the things in his room that make it "baby-like", a part of my heart will be sad that my little boy is growing up so quickly. Changing out his room will be a symbolic end of his baby-ness.

But, the sadness will run much deeper than that for me. Even though it is Joey's room, the vision and dreams of that room started with Hannah, Ryan and Abby and my visions and dreams for them. So when the room gets changed, I will lose another connection to my three babies who never had the chance to sleep there. In a world where there are so few tangible, touchable connections, it really stings to lose another piece.

I miss the memories that we'll never make.

Who is this girl and what did you do with my April?

I journal write. The unfortunate thing about my style is that I tend to write during times of crisis and rarely when life is good. It's not a great way to journal because if anyone were to ever read them after I die (like my kids), it would seem that my life was completely dark and painful without any laughter and fun. And that's simply not true.

Anyway, in back-reading some of my earlier journals, it's interesting for me to see how strong and optimistic I was. Even through some really difficult times, I would see positives. Again and again during the first few rounds of In-Vitro that we did, I would write about the challenges of the treatments, but I always ended with how lucky we were to have this option. The year that Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, the darkest year of my life, I took a lot of time to write about my pain, but I also found myself writing many thankful passages for the people in my life who helped carry me through this period, the outpouring of love that I received and the amount of strength I found within myself to move forward.

Imagine, then, my surprise as I continued to browse through the next few years to the present, only to discover that much of my "thankfulness" has gone along the wayside and my strength and upbeat attitude has begun to wane, rather significantly.

I know the past 6 years have thrown me blow after blow. What I didn't realize was how much my strength has slowly burned down; faded away. I know that I am strong. The problem is that I no longer feel strong. And, perhaps more upsetting for me is that while I am grateful for so many things in my life, I've just realized that I'm not living very graciously right now.

So, the question I need to ask myself is not "How did I let this happen?" but rather, "How do I change this?" I know I can't go back. I don't think we can ever go back, but I do know that I can look deep within myself again and find that strength to move forward into a better light.