Moments of Quiet Thoughts

Hannah, Ryan and Abby would have been 5 years old this October. They would have just missed the cut off for kindergarten in my state so they wouldn't be going this Fall, but still, they would be five.

Today, I had a rare situation where I was driving alone, which means I didn't have the chatter of Joey and the babble of Laura in the background. I chose not to turn the radio on and was just enjoying the silence. At times like this, I often find my mind goes straight to Hannah, Ryan and Abby. It's amazing to me that here I am, almost 5 years later, and there still hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about them.

Early on, people kept telling me that day would come and that the one day would eventually turn into 2, and then a week, etc. I didn't know what to think about that idea, 5 years ago. Part of me thought that would mean I had recovered from my grief and was living life again and part of me wanted to tell these people to "kiss off" because none of them had lost (a) child/ren so they had no idea how I would feel or think "one day".

It's interesting to discover that I do still think about them daily and I'm living my life and enjoying it again. I don't know why I thought thinking about them every day would somehow mean I was still constantly laden with grief. Perhaps it was because in those early days I could only think about them with grief and sadness and that's no longer true. It's difficult to explain what my thoughts and feelings are now because many times I'm not sure myself, but whatever the emotions are, they are not always heavy and sad. I'm so glad about that.

Anyway, when I have those rare times of being alone, my mind almost always wanders to them in some way. It makes me wonder, sometimes, what other (non-loss) moms think about when they are alone. But more importantly, it makes me cherish even more, my own moments of quiet thoughts.