Jelouse of the Hampster...

For years, I was a runner. Then, when I went through In-Vitro Fertilization, I wasn't allowed to run. Running helps me feel strong and balanced while IVF made me feel crazed and scattered, so it was difficult to stop. However, when I got pregnant with Hannah, Ryan and Abby I was so happy that I didn't care about having to give it up. Everything was going to be worth it and I knew that after the babies were born, I would get back into running again. My energy was focused on doing whatever I could to bring these babies into healthy. I even saw a nutrionist to make sure I was eating all the right things, but it was a triplet pregnancy and so in a short period of time, I gained a lot of weight. One day, my plantar facsia couldn't take it anymore and I developed chronic heal pain.

After Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, I was a mess physically and emotionally. All I wanted to do was run that pain and anger away. After my 6 week post-partum checkup, I came home, laced up and went out for a jog. I didn't get far before I was crippled with pain. I was so bitter that the one thing that might bring me some solace was "taken" from me.

Somehow, in the midst of my grief, I found the wherewithall to call a foot doctor and start physical therapy and ultrasound treatments. I tried cortisone shots and orthodics. Eventually, I was pain-free, but by then, I was back in IVF and wasn't allowed to run anyway.

In the years that followed, I had too many IVF treatments and 2 more stressful pregnancies. During the pregnancies, I wasn't allowd to exersize at all, and so instead, I ate my way through them. I gained 60+ pounds both times, and both times, my foot pain returned. My doctors attributed it to the weight gain and thought that once I was back at a healthy weight, my pain would subside.

Since Laura was born, I have strictly dieted so I could lose weight and fix this problem once and for all. I'm 7 pounds away from my pre-infertility weight, but because of my pain, I can't run. I'm thin but not in shape and I don't feel strong. I am ready to reclaim my passion for running, but no matter what I do, I can't eleviate my pain it's very frustrating. This has been going on for almost 4 1/2 years now.

I feel like a hampster on the wheel: I'm going in circles but not getting anywhere. But, unlike the hampster, I'm not running...