Just as Guilty

R and I are friends with our neighbors. They have a son who is one year older than our son and the boys play together well. R and I have always liked both the husband and wife and they are in the process of adopting a daughter who will be 2 months younger than Laura. It's always been a really easy relationship and we've looked forward to their daughter coming home so Laura will have a (female) playmate on our court.

Our parenting styles are very different and there have been times when I've felt the Mom has been harsher then she needs to be with her son, but basically I have always seen them as loving, caring parents.

Except today, I witnessed something that made me feel very uncomfortable. Their son was disobeying his mom and she lost her cool. She started yelling at him and then she picked up a ball from the yard and threw it at him, somewhat hard, hitting him in the head. He started crying and she grabbed his arm, pulling him into a time out. Joey stood there, eyes wide, looking back and forth from Mom to son and then finally, to me. I managed to smile at my son, then I walked over to him, hugged him and started kicking a ball with him, as if nothing had happened. The only comment she made was something like "kids can make you crazy sometimes..." I didn't know what to say and so in turn, I didn't say anything. It was getting on in the day and Laura was getting tired, so we packed up and left.

When we got home, I felt the need to talk to Joey about what happened. I was honest with my son and I told him that L wasn't behaving well and his mom got angry, but Mrs. S didn't behave well, either, because it's not appropriate to hit someone no matter how frustrated or angry you feel. He accepted this and we moved on, but I know my son and I know it had an impact on him.

And, I know that there was something very critical that I left out of our discussion and that was my behavior-or lack thereof. While I feel that talking to Joey was important, the truth is, I should have done something while the situation was happening and I didn't. In many ways, I'm just as wrong as the mom. I want to teach my children to stick up for what they feel is right and yet I didn't do that myself. What kind of message did I send to Joey (and L) by doing nothing? It's not that I didn't feel it was my place to say something, because the behavior was so inappropriate that it deserved, no it needed, to be addressed. And yet, I didn't do anything. And so, by my lack of action, the message I sent to my son that it's okay to allow things like this to happen, even though they are grossly wrong.

I'm not sure what I could have/should have said, but I know that I shouldn't have sat, silent, and let it go. The truth is, it would have been very difficult to say something and so I took the cowards way and said nothing. And that makes me just as guilty.
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Last night, after the kids were in bed, R and I talked about what happened. He agreed that saying something would be very difficult but that something should have been said. Since we live next door to them we will continue to have a relationship with them and so therefore, it's possible something like this may happen again. We talked about how this would be a defining moment in our friendship with them but we both agree that something needs to be said even if it means an awkward relationship from that point on. The question that still looms, that we're not sure how to answer, is what do I say to show that I won't condone this kind of behavior? We're both still thinking about the best way to handle it.

I hope I don't get into that situation again, but if I do, I hope I have the where-with-all to know what to say and the strength to say it.