I'm tired today. Not so much physically but emotionally. I'm ready for this day and this week to be behind me. It's not that I don't want to honor Abby on this day because I do. She was my kicker, my fighter and my largest baby. She was the one I was so sure would survive. But she didn't survive and right now, it feels like too much.
Really, there is so much and so little to say at the same time. When I think back to the week of October 23-28, 2003 it seems surreal. It's hard to wrap my brain around the magnitude of hope and pain we had and I can't help but wonder how we managed to function and survive. After I said goodbye to Abby, I wanted everyone to go away and leave me alone and yet I was scared to be alone. My nerves were frayed and the range of emotions that coursed through me was absurd. But in some ways, I felt relief. It was over.
It's now October 28, 2008 and it is a cold and rainy day. The kids and I were all cranky. Instead of going to the gym and taking care of myself, I tried to comfort myself by eating disgusting amounts of Halloween candy, all of it chocolate, and now I feel queasy.
I wanted to write something eloquent and beautiful for Abby today, but I can't seem to find the words. While it wasn't the worst anniversary week I have had, it was much harder than I thought it would be.
I'm sorry Abby. I wish I could have given you more in 2003 and I wish I could give you more, now. I miss you and I love you very much. Still. More than ever.
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2 comments:
Oh, April. I don't know how you do it... so many dates.. such a long week of remembering. I have tried to picture what that must have been like- the span of time between each of your babies arrivals- and it overwhelms me every time. It is, indeed, a wonder that we survived such tragedy.
My heart is with you tonight, and little Abby, and all of your precious children.
I read down through your last 4 posts. I can't fathom the painful journey you went on that week, that you're still on. Bless you as you remember your first three treasures. Thank you for sharing them with me.
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