~Honoring Hannah~

Today is Hannah's birthday. She would have been 5 years old.

Yesterday I was sad as I thought about my sweet babies and all the lost opportunities we have missed out on. Before falling asleep, I cried lightly while R held me, but then I fell into a deep slumber and slept soundly through the night.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of R and Laura laughing together. It made me smile and feel good inside. And then they were in our room. R put her on the bed and she was climbing all over me, laughing and giving me her big, sloppy, open mouth kisses. I felt Hannah near, in my heart, but I was up and starting another busy day.

It's only now that Laura is sleeping and Joey is having "quiet time" that I have the time to think about this day and about Hannah. If I wanted to, I know I could sit on the floor of my room, think sad thoughts and dredge up the darkness that engulfed my life 5 years ago. I could put myself back into the depths of grief and relive that horrible week. It would be easy to do, if I wanted too.

But this year, I don't have that awful feeling of despair that I have had in past years, and I don't want to force a sadness that I don't feel just to keep Hannah, Ryan or Abby "alive". For me, the way to keep them "alive" is not through grief, but through love.

And so, when I'm done with this post, I will sit quietly and go through Hannah's memory box. I will look at her pictures and gently unfold the soft, thin blanket that she was wrapped in for her short life and I will run my fingers over her footprints. I will cherish the tangible reminders I have from my firstborn child. I may cry, and that's perfectly fine. I may not cry and that's perfectly fine too.

I will try not to reflect on what I have lost, but rather, to see all that I have gained. Today, I will try to honor Hannah by seeing the many gifts that her life has brought me.