Last night I was snuggled in bed and nearly drifting off when I began thinking about Hannah, Ryan and Abby. My thoughts were gentle but sad and soft tears fell from my eyes. It was the first time this month that I have cried.
My sadness only lasted a short while before my eyes became heavy and I nodded off to sleep. I woke up this morning to bright sunlight streaming through my windows and Joey's head peaking out his bedroom door. He said a cheerful "Hi Mom!" and then I heard Laura giggling and babbling in her crib. My sadness from the night before was gone. I knew this was going to be a happy morning and a happy day.
My life is full now and as a person, I am happy again. But in a few short weeks, I will quietly honor the 5 year anniversary of Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births. I still love and miss them every bit as much as I did when they were born, and so I expect that as their birth days get closer, I will feel more moments of sadness. Last night just happened to be the first time.
I know it will not be the last time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Oh, gosh... I've been feeling it too. Here I had such confidence in September that I would weather this anniversary so much better. Then, October came, and it has brought with it all of the bittersweet feelings that this month carries. Like you said, it is all gentler now, but still there.
I am still glad that you and I can journey through this month together, even if it is on opposite coast lines.
September was much easier for me than it has ever been, so even though I expected there to be difficult moments in October, I honestly didn't expect them until closer to their birthdays. But, there I was feeling it in the first week of the month. It's so interesting...even when I go into "denial" mode emotionally, my body somehow "knows".
Anyway, I am also glad that we have each other to go through this month with. It's hard to believe how much we've been through "together". I'm grateful for our friendship.
Yes, isn't it odd how turning the page on the calendar can elicit so many emotions? I felt the same way. September was a breeze, I really thought October was going to be the same way. And then, October came and it all feels different.
It fascinates me because there have been times in the past that I wondered if I was trying or encouraging myself to feel sadness or regret or grief. This time, I know that wasn't so. It just comes naturally at this time of year and, in a strange way, I'm grateful for that.
Post a Comment