~Remembering Ryan~

Today is Ryan's birthday. He was born around 5:30 a.m. in a very quiet room that only had R and me in it at the time of his birth.

This morning, at 5:30 a.m. I was holding a different boy. For some reason, Joey woke up crying so I went to him. Instead of sitting on the edge of his bed, I crawled into it with him. I stroked his hair and whispered soft words to comfort him and he quickly fell back asleep. I continued to stroke his hair and closed my eyes, but I did not find sleep.

Instead I thought about my other son, Ryan. I thought about his entrance into this world. I thought about how, even in death, I was unable to lightly stroke his hair and whisper soft words to comfort him. He was the second child born to an interval birth. While there is never enough time with any child who is dying, with my son, I had to let go of him before he died. Shortly after his birth, just as in Hannah's birth, I was given a heavy dose of Magnesium Sulfate to stop contractions with the hope of saving my third child. Once the Mag hit me, I was physically sick, excruciatingly hot, and incapable of caring for my only son, even though the only care he required at the time was to be held and loved. I am so grateful that R was there and that he was able to do the things that I was not.

At some point this morning, I left Joey and went to Ryan. I sat and looked at his photo for a long time. I wonder who he would look like now? At birth, he resembled my family so much more than Hannah or Abby did. Would he have been my only child to look like me? Would he have been big, like my brother? Would he be blond with blue eyes like Joey and Laura or would he have had my brown eyes and auburn hair? It's impossible to know how he would look today because babies change so much as they develop and grow. I guess it doesn't matter. What I do know is that in his birth, he was an absolutely beautiful baby boy.

Today I am sad.

Today I miss my other son.

I love you Ryan.