In the aftermath of Hannah, Ryan and Abby’s' deaths, my relationship with God and my religion fell apart. I struggled to find answers to questions that had no answers and I blamed God-the all powerful, all mighty God that I grew up with-for not letting my babies live. I was lost, sad, angry and confused. I needed to believe in something because I couldn't believe that Hannah, Ryan and Abby were spiritually nothing. That thought was too painful to even consider. And so, I chose to believe that Hannah, Ryan and Abby were with me, spiritually and if I asked them for strength, they would guide me. It felt all wrong that I should be asking them to give me strength. After all, I am their Mom and isn't it a mom's responsibility to guide her children? I felt enormous guilt at having failed them in life and then again in death, but I needed to believe in their spirits and their ability to guide me through my grief to the other side. And I was too angry at God for failing me to even consider turning to Him for comfort.
For a long time, I grappled with the notion of God and what He means to me. I was tired of hearing all the well-meaning comments about God not giving me more than I could handle, or how He needed more angels in heaven. These comments only made me feel angry at the people who said them and the God they believed had the power to do this to me and my babies and to all the other women whom I was meeting who had lost (a) child/ren.
With time, it became clear to me that I could no longer believe in an all controlling God who had the power to decide who will live and who will die. As that belief faded from my core, I let go of the anger I had once felt at God for Hannah, Ryan and Abby’s' deaths. I was able to stop blaming Him because I truly no longer believed that He did this to me or to them. I was then able to pray to Him for the one thing I believe He can give me: strength.
I am fairly comfortable with my relationship with God now. The problem is, I'm not comfortable with religion. We had Joey baptized, but through the ceremony, I felt very uneasy. I felt like a fake and a liar standing at the alter committing to raise my son in a religion that doesn't feel right to me. At my darkest time of need, I felt that the teachings of my religions failed me. Actually, they did worse than fail me, they made me feel like their deaths were my fault, as if I didn't pray hard enough, long enough or strong enough to justify saving them. But, at the same time, we held Hannah, Ryan and Abby's funeral in this very same church and I found enormous comfort in familiarlity of the service and thereadings. And so while my relationship with God is strong, I'm still very confused at the aspect of how religion fits into my life.
I want to take Joey and Laura to Church, but I haven't found one that I feel comfortable in, myself. I'm not so bold as to think that this is something I can teach them on my own, without guidance or support, and I do believe that a lot of what we learn in a formal religious setting can reinforce the values and morals that we teach at home. Of course, the important thing is that I want them to have a relationship with God and an understanding of a larger purpose...
I’m just not sure how to go about it.
3 comments:
I was brought up Lutheran - went through everything - first communion, confirmation & got married in the church. I lost my religion, too. By the time we lost the girls, I did not have much of a religion to lose. S has generally been agnostic and I adopted that attitude pretty quickly. All this said, I have saved two messages from my pastor on our answering machine for almost 3 years. In the message, he says losing our babies was not God's will.
I find myself in the same position as you - needing faith but not knowing where to find it. We had a memorial service for Hope, Meret and Annalisa at a Unitarian Fellowship. I have thought of going back - I actually thought about going again last night. There is so much uncertainty in international adoption and I find myself needing something to lean on.
So, what about the Unitarian church? It may be open enough for your beliefs and provide a community for you and your family. The "Sunday School" program sounds so cool. They teach kids about life rituals and lots of different kinds of religions.
April- There are churches out there that support a much more progressive, post-modern view of religious doctrine. It is always important to draw a distinction between religion (a concept designed by people) and faith (a gift given by God). Faith is where we start.
You have been on a journey but in many ways you are now back at a new starting place. And that is okay. Maybe you need to experience your own growing faith a little more before you start trying to find a church that will support you in your new journey?
I think you would love the book "Amazing Grace: A vocabulary of faith" by Kathleen Norris. She is such a fascinating, eloquent writer who tells of her journey from a very conservative Christian childhood, to atheism as a young adult, and back to Christianity. Each chapter of the book takes a word from the language of faith and talks about how she was able to rediscover that language and make it her own.
You know this is a subject I can go on and on about... If you ever want to talk, I'll listen. :)
Thank you both for yoru commetns. Angela, it's nice to know I"m not alone in my floundering. R is agnostic, although ironically it was R who felt strongly about having Hannah and Ryan baptized and Abby blessed, so I'm not sure what that means.
Lori, thanks for the book suggestion. As soon as I'm finished my current book, I'll pick this one up. I know you have a lot of thoughts about faith, so I probably will take you up on your offer to "talk" in the future.
Thank you both.
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