This morning, I woke up and knew my week was over. I didn't jump out of bed with pure joy and energy, but that's because I never do that. However, I did feel different. The best way I can explain it is that even though I was up late watching baseball, I awoke today feeling less tired than I have the past few days.
Although I did have my moments, all in all, it was probably my easiest anniversary week so far. It was the first year that I didn't go through their memory boxes, look at their pictures and spend private time with each of them. During the day, I didn't have the time. I could have done it at night, after the kids were in bed but for whatever reasons, I didn't. And I'm okay with that.
Yesterday was Abby's birthday. I didn't sit and write anything in her memory because, again, I didn't have time. Although a larger than normal part of my heart was with my eternal babies this week, my focus was on my children who are here with me. I know Hannah, Ryan and Abby understand that they are quietly with me always, even when Joey and Laura are loudly demanding my attention.
Yes, this year was easier, by far. Perhaps in a few weeks or months I will want to sit and spend some time going through their tangible things and maybe then I will really cry, but right now, I'm warm inside knowing that they are with me, always and that my life is full. I am living in the present and it's a good place to be.
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I didn't go through Joseph and Molly's things this year either. Isn't that funny? And I too didn't feel any guilt or sadness about that. I could have, and maybe I will sometime soon, but I didn't need to on that day. I know that both you and I have always resisted falling into patterns that we do just because we always have, or because we feel like we should. So I am okay with having done things differently this year.
I have no doubt that Joseph and Molly know they are always with me. Just as Hannah, Ryan and Abby are always with you. They just are... and always will be.
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