~~Ryan~~

My first thought today was of the son I will never know~the son who, of all my children, had the most peaceful entrance into the world. My son Ryan. He was so small and looked so gentle; perfect. And yet, I didn't have time for tears this morning because Joey woke early so I had to get up and start the day. Today was a crazy, hectic day. I took Joey to karate then piled 2 more kids into my car and brought all of them home to my house for the day. I'm helping a friend who needs help and the only way I can actually do anything is to take her kids for her, so I spent the entire day with (3) 4 year olds and a 2 year old. Needless to say, my brain was busy today and now I'm tired.

Somewhere inside me, there is a longing to sit with a little boy who never will grow up. I want to look at his picture and go through his things and try to remember the smell of him, through his blanket-even though it has long since faded. But today is not the day that it will happen. I can hear the music of Tigger and Pooh so I know I have less than 2 minutes until Joey and Laura start wandering, looking for me. And, at 5:15, I need to start dinner and the night time routine. No, this is not the day to go through Ryan's box, or write him a note, or spend a lot of quiet time "with" him. But even though it was a happy and busy day, when I did have a quick moment, my thoughts went to my son on his 6th birthday.

I love you Ryan and I miss you, my sweet boy.