TC

Tonight, for some strange reason, I sat at my computer and googled, "The Triplet Connection" and when it loaded, I learned that I'm still signed in as a member.

I didn't really do anything on the site. I entered the general forum and browsed some topic titles but didn't open any of them. Then I went to the bereaved parents section and did the same thing. And then I logged out. I spent about 2 minutes there, at the most.

I'm not negating that I gave birth to triplets whom I continue to love and cherish, but I'm certainly not part of the moms of multiples community and I found that I wasn't really interested in reading any of the posts. There was a time, while I was pregnant and even after Hannah, Ryan and Abby were born, when I spent a lot of time pouring over posts, first feeling very connected to the world of multiples, then desperately trying to hold on to my right to belong in that world. I spent a lot of time working through this with my grief shrink and she helped me realize how toxic the site had become for me. I knew I needed to stop going there, but it took a long time before I was able to do so.

I'm not sure why I went there tonight or what I hoped it would accomplish. Now I'm not sure why I'm even writing about it because honestly, what I felt during that 2 minutes was completely indifferent and detached.

Even now, thinking about it, it seems very bizarre.