This is the first year I haven't been home for Hannah's birthday. Instead, we are on Cape Cod for Rod's grandmother's memorial service. My brother and law and his finance are here and so are my in-laws. The distraction has been nice, as we arrived on Thursday and I sailed through Thrusday and Friday without emotion.
However, last night, no sooner was I in bed then the tears started rolling down my cheeks. They were most unexpected, as I didnt' think I was thinking about Hannah, but I was. I gently and silently cried myself to sleep but I never fell into a deep slumber. My dreams were twisted~babies were born who looked like Hannah but were left nameless for years, a child born to me whom I did not know I had delivered and who was somehow found in a school locker. Dreams can be odd like that, making no sense but having touches of real like anxiety, stress or sadness peppered into their weirdness.
And now today, with the exception of Rod, nobody around me remembers what today means for me. Nobody remembers that today, my first born daughter made an extremely difficult entrance into this world and then a few hours later, she quietly passed into an afterworld. I am expected to smile, make small talk and be my normal self and all I really want to do is crawl into a ball, close my eyes and cry for my sweet little baby who never had the chance to grow into a toddler, a little girl, a teen or a woman.
While today will be a blur of activity and when I log off this computer, I will push my tears aside and dig deep to put on a happy face, my heart will be heavy and tears will puddle just under the surface for the pain and sadness I feel today.
Hannah~sweet Hannah. I love you and I miss you so much.
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1 comment:
Thinking of you... and Hannah. Sweet baby girl.
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