The Gift

Yesterday, I received the most unexpected gift.

Since Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births and deaths, my in-laws have never handled things well. For years, I have suspected that my mother in law would have done things differently but that my father in law was always "in control" of what they do or say. Rod called them as soon as we knew we would lose Hannah and they didn't come because they had a dinner party that evening. I learned this months later when I asked them why they didn't come to see Hannah. My father in law responded, "We didn't want to offend our friends". I was devastated that they would choose a dinner party with friends over supporting their son during the most devastating time of his life.

Throughout the years, they have never mentioned Hannah, Ryan or Abby, unless it's to allude to the "miscarriage" or "loss". None of their friends were told about the memorial service and several family members were told "it will be a small service for immediate family only" so they didn't need to attend. I am grateful for those family members who felt strongly enough to attend and support Rod anyway, as it was totally appropriate for them to be there. The service was anything but a small~my entire family (including aunts and uncles from far away) attended, friends of my parents, our friends and many of their parents attended. The support was overwhelming, but I know that it was hurtful for Rod that there wasn't a stronger presence from his family.

In the past few years, my mother in law has made an effort. Although she never remembers the dates, she has recently started sending a note in October letting me know that she is thinking of us and of Hannah, Ryan and Abby. She has told me more than once that she regrets not coming when Hannah was born. She regrets not seeing her, not holding her and not supporting Rod and me. She is a woman controlled by her husband and in the past few years, I have learned to forgive her for the things she didn't do; things she couldn't do.

Last night was the memorial service for Rod's grandmother. My mother in law started the evening off with a few words about her Mom. But before she started, she thanked everyone for coming and then she said the most uncharacteristic thing: "I would like to pause for a moment to remember Rod and April's first three children, Hannah, Ryan and Abby, who died 6 years ago around this time"

Both Rod and I started crying and this unexpected acknowledgment of our babies. The remainder of the service was, appropriately, about his grandmother. However, for me the recognition and remembrance of my sweet angels was the nicest gift my mother in law has ever given me.