Hannah, Ryan and Abby would have been 5 years old this October. They would have just missed the cut off for kindergarten in my state so they wouldn't be going this Fall, but still, they would be five.
Today, I had a rare situation where I was driving alone, which means I didn't have the chatter of Joey and the babble of Laura in the background. I chose not to turn the radio on and was just enjoying the silence. At times like this, I often find my mind goes straight to Hannah, Ryan and Abby. It's amazing to me that here I am, almost 5 years later, and there still hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about them.
Early on, people kept telling me that day would come and that the one day would eventually turn into 2, and then a week, etc. I didn't know what to think about that idea, 5 years ago. Part of me thought that would mean I had recovered from my grief and was living life again and part of me wanted to tell these people to "kiss off" because none of them had lost (a) child/ren so they had no idea how I would feel or think "one day".
It's interesting to discover that I do still think about them daily and I'm living my life and enjoying it again. I don't know why I thought thinking about them every day would somehow mean I was still constantly laden with grief. Perhaps it was because in those early days I could only think about them with grief and sadness and that's no longer true. It's difficult to explain what my thoughts and feelings are now because many times I'm not sure myself, but whatever the emotions are, they are not always heavy and sad. I'm so glad about that.
Anyway, when I have those rare times of being alone, my mind almost always wanders to them in some way. It makes me wonder, sometimes, what other (non-loss) moms think about when they are alone. But more importantly, it makes me cherish even more, my own moments of quiet thoughts.
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I still think about Molly and Joseph daily as well. In fact, I find them flitting through my thoughts all the time, even when I am barely aware. I like to say that I carry them with me like breathing. I don't have to be thinking about them to be thinking about them (if that makes sense). I'd like to think that it will always be that way.
It amazes me sometimes to look at the two of us and see how far we have come. I have been grateful for your companionship every step of the way. I will walk with you as we move toward that 5 year anniversary.
I still think about Hope, Meret and Annalisa everyday. I think they are so integrated in my being & soul that (so far) it is impossible not to. We have their urns and boxes in our room and sometimes I wonder if we should do something else with them - what I don't know - but every once in a while I think that having them there keeps me from letting them go (whatever that means - reminds me of people who have said that I should "move on"). But, that is probably silly because I doubt I will be letting them go ever - nor do I want to.
What I have noticed recently is that I think about them, but not with horrible sadness and guilt and grief - but just think of them as they are - little spirits whose lives were cut really short, I guess. Or I think of them as the 3 little birds I saw on the telephone wire a few days ago. Or I just think of them as another unseen force on the universe. I could go on, of course.
Today, 3 years ago, Hope was born and died. I do think about her with sadness today.
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