Laura woke up at 5:15 this morning then after eating, she fell right back asleep. She's not really a snuggle-kid, so I love that she does cuddle right in and falls back asleep after nursing like this. I'll miss that when she's weaned...
Anyway, after listening to her light snoring for a few minutes, I decided to put her back in the crib and take a 6:15 a.m. spinning class. I'm not a morning person so the thought of working out in the morning isn't all that appealing to me, but I was already up. I considered going back to bed for a little bit, and believe me it was tempting, but I knew R would be getting up soon and I was already wide awake, so I decided to go for it.
Midway through the class my mind was blank, my legs were burning, and my towel was soaked. I heard the music and the instructor barking motivational commands, but my brain wasn't really processing either of them. I wasn't thinking about anything, really, until a random thought popped into my head: In the past 6 years, this is the longest I've gone without taking massive doses of infertility drugs or feeling the weight of stress that comes from being a high risk pregnancy.
When I finished the class this morning I was proud of myself. I felt strong and I was ready to enjoy my day. When I was going through infertility treatments or pregnant the hormones and stress stripped me of these feelings, and with each attempt, it became more and more difficult to regain them. I was left feeling robbed of my confidence and it's only now that I'm getting it back.
When I think of all we've been through emotionally, physically and financially, I know closing the door on treatments and pregnancy is the right thing to do for my family and for myself. I'm sure there will be moments of sadness, especially as Laura gets further and further away from being a baby, but today, as I think about my life, I feel happy about where I'm headed and relieved that infertility is no longer part of my future.
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2 comments:
Yes. Even though I have moments of feeling sad that the pregnancy part of my life is over- there are other times I am excited to feel back in control of my body again (well, as much as any of us can be). I too feel stronger than I have in a long time, and I'm not even where I want to be yet. I want to be one of those women who looks better in her 40's than I did in my 30's (which shouldn't be hard! :))
You go April!!
April,
I followed you over here from Lori's blog and I'm so touched but your wise insightful words.
I have spent this last year finding my fit self again too. It's been wonderful although I've had to admit I will never look 19 again lol.
You are inspiring me to go and get at it this morning!
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