The Plan Is Working

Yesterday was my 39th birthday. It's a fairly inconsequential birthday number, except that it now puts me in the final year of my 30's.

When R and I talked about what we wanted to do this day, I told him there was a local 5K race I wanted to run in, as a family. I told him I didn't want him to run beside me (he's much faster than I am) I wanted to do this at my own pace, for myself and by myself, but that at the end of the race, I would love for him and the kids to be there to cheer me on.

However, when we woke up yesterday, the weather was cool and drizzling-not exactly great running weather. We decided to do it anyway but as we pulled up to the race area, the drizzle had turned to rain. R decided it would be better to drop me off and take the kids to breakfast, rather than run with them. I was a little bummed, but I waved goodbye and ran off to get my race number. About a minute before the race was to go off, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see R with the double jogger and the kids all bundled up snug. Joey was blissfully eating Dunkin Donuts Munchkins and Laura sat happy as a lark, just taking it all in.

My face must have looked puzzled because R said "As I was driving away, I realized we should be out here as a family, so we came back to run". Before I could say anything, the race started and we both set off.

It didn't take long before he was well in front of me and fading out of my sight. I stayed focused on my breathing and kept a slow steady pace. Even though I could no longer see R, it was nice to know he was there.

I have run several races since Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, but I always ran them without emotion. This race was different for me-inwardly, I felt different. As I neared the finish line, I saw R, dripping wet in the rain and as I ran past him, he and Joey cheered me on while Laura sat looking out, cooing and smiling. It gave me the courage and the boost I needed to pick up my pace and sprint to the finish line.

I finished the race in 27 minutes and 42 seconds-just under a 9 minute pace. It wasn't even close to a personal best for me but I didn't care. As I crossed that finish line, hearing my son and my husband cheering me on, I was beaming inside and out.

See, what was different for me yesterday wasn't just that my family was there, supporting me. What was different for me yesterday, was that I felt strong.