The Perfect Storm

Mom is still in ICU and they think there is the possibility of a hereditary lung disease that is progressive. While it's a slight possibility, it's still a possibility and I'm scared. I go to visit her every day and she's still the same Mom she's always been: caring, supportive, loving, grateful and happy. And yet she's on oxygen and has been in the ICU for a week now. It is serious. For now, we are hoping that she will be moved from ICU within the next 2 days, and we're really hoping that she doesn't have this lung disease. I'm scared. Very scared.

Two days ago, Laura flipped over backwards on her little chair and hit her head on the fireplace hearth. She cried for about 10 minutes and then started bleeding out her left ear. We spent the rest of the day going from doctor to doctor, including X-Rays and MRI's to rule out skull fractures and brain damage. Thankfully, all those tests were negative. She did have raging double ear infections and the impact of her fall caused one of her ear tubes to come out. They aren't sure why she had so much bleeding from the ear (which has, thankfully, stopped) but we're on a course of antibiotics (both drops and oral medication) to clear up the infections, then we'll determine what do to regarding the lost tube. While I remained perfectly calm during all the testing, doctor's visits, etc. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was fall apart and cry, but I couldn't because I didn't have any time alone.

And the kicker is that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, with number 3. I feel a whole mix of confusing emotions: jealousy, anger (at life, not at them), desire for another myself, joy for them but, most of all, sadness. WE were supposed to be the family of 5. WE were supposed to have more children. It comes so easy for them and yet it was so hard for us. We had so many complications and difficulties and sadness and pain that there was no real choice for us but to end our fertility journey. We wanted more children. We just couldn't take the chances that things would go wrong for us, yet again. The risks are now too high...

Whenever someone I know gets pregnant again, there is always a twinge of jelousy and awkwardness inside me. I don't wish away time but I do look forward to the days when most of my friends are finished having children so I no longer feel that awkwardness. I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to feel this way again with the people who mean the most to me. I hoped that my siblings wouldn't have any more children and we would be passed the baby-making days. But now I find myself thrown back into all that pain and sadness and awkwardness and it's so much more difficult when it's people I truly love. I want to feel nothing but happiness for them. And yet I can't because it hurts so much.