Who Do You Miss The Most?

I received one of those "get to know you" emails today-the kind that asks you a bunch of questions so your friends can "get to know you" better. Usually I delete them without responding, but this one was from my 12 year old niece, so I decided to answer the questions and send it back to her. The 4th question down asked: "Who do you miss the most?"

I typed Hannah, Ryan and Abby's names and went on to #5. But later, I began to really think about this question and my answer. Do I miss Hannah, Ryan and Abby? Can I miss them if I never really had the chance to know them?

Surely I miss the opportunity to raise them, teach them and parent them. I miss the opportunity to know them, watch their personalities develop and help shape their values and morals. But does this mean I miss them, as people, or do I miss the opportunity of them?

I don't know.

When I was pregnant, I imagined who they would be, based on their movements. Abby was always kicking and jabbing me , hard and often. I dreamed I would be chasing her around the house because she was my wild one. Hannah was active but her kicks were more gentle-like bumps, so even though I felt her often, I pictured her to be quieter, more gentle and feminine. And Ryan, he wouldn't kick often, but when he did, it was constant and furious. He was my sweet little boy but he had a strong spirit and a stubborn side.

When I was pregnant with Joey, he kicked and moved all the time. Once, he kicked me so hard he knocked the wind out of me. I was sure he would be on-the-go nonstop. But when Joey was born, he was about as mellow as a baby could be. As a child, he can still sit and focus on something for a long period of time without getting bored and he's gentle and calm.

Laura almost never kicked me. Many times, I would panic because long stretches would pass without any movement and I would head to labor and delivery for an ultrasound-thankfully to learn that she was fine. Based on my pregnancy with her, one would expected her to be super laid-back. But Laura's nickname is "Spit-and-Beans" shortened from "a spit-fire who is full of beans". She is up at 5:45 every morning and is raring to go. There is nothing mellow about her.

When I think of the dreams I had for Hannah, Ryan and Abby while I was pregnant, I realize now that they were just that: dreams. There is no way to know who they would have become or how they would have grown because I didn't have the chance to learn that about them. And realizing how wrong I was about my living children, I realize too that the dreams I had about them probably aren't even close to the reality of who they would have been.

So, almost 5 years after they were born, when I think of a question like #4, "Who do you miss the most"? I feel confused. Is it possible to miss a person you never knew? Or is what I feel more of a longing for them? Is there a difference between missing and longing? I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is a love that I still carry deep within me and how much I miss sharing that love with them.

Maybe you don't need to know someone well to miss them, maybe you only need to love them.

I just don't know...