Birthday Mania...

It's hard for me to believe, but both my children had their birthdays this month. Laura is now a year old and Joey is 3. Time sure does fly.

We celebrated Laura's birthday with family at our shore house. She was the party girl and had a great time. When everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to her, instead of bursting into tears like many one year olds do, she looked around somewhat baffled then her face lit up into a huge grin. Without a doubt, she's my socialite!

Since we were at the shore, she had a sandcastle cake, which she loved.

Joey celebrated his birthday with a small party of 4 friends, at our house. It was a construction theme and each child got a hard hat and a paint brush. I set out 5 different paint colors and they painted a cardboard box "house", which was a huge hit for them. For his cake, I made a backhoe loader. (Although I can't take full credit for either of the cakes because I subscribe to a great magazine called Family Fun that gave me the inspiration and directions to make them both!)

What a year it's been...Happy Birthday Joey. Happy Birthday Laura. I love you both.

Ear Tubes

It's the eve of Laura's ear tube surgery-a date I've anxiously waiting for since February. I know the tubes will alleviate her ear discomfort, help her hear and sleep better, improve her balance and allow her to develop better babble/speech. I've wanted to move forward with this surgery for quite some time but all the insurance issues we had pushed us back a little. And now the date is finally here.

But now I'm am anxiously thinking about all the papers I had to sign last week-the papers that clearly outline the risks of the surgery and the anesthesia. The fine print disclaimers that state I can not hold the doctor or the hospital liable in the event that something catastrophic should happen. People keep telling me that ear tube surgery is the most common surgery done in children under three years old. I know that. It's not the ear tubes that I'm worried about; it's the anesthesia.

And so, while I know it's the right thing to do, I also know I won't sleep well tonight and that I'll be on edge the whole time, until I'm with her in recovery.
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Monday May 19
9:30 a.m.

We're home from the surgery and Laura is doing great. I can see the difference in her hearing already, as she's searching for sounds she's never responded to before (the car starting, the microwave, etc) and who knows if this is a coincidence or not but she was cruising along the couch and she stopped, let go, started clapping, then cruised on. This was the first time ever that she stood independently. The doctor said he cleaned out all the "gummy nasty stuff" in her ears that would have affected her hearing and balance, so who knows.

Anyway, it was a very long 15 minutes from the time we left her until we saw her again and the fears ran rampant in my mind. I was never so relieved as when the nurse opened the door and we heard Laura screaming at the top of her lungs (a common reaction for babies as they come out of anesthesia. Thankfully, we were well informed it would happen)

I'm exhausted and feel like I could sleep for a week, but I'm so glad it's over and my little girl came through everything just fine.

I'm A Big Boy Now!

Joey turned 3 last week. How much he understands the concept that this day was his actual birth-day is unclear but he certainly understands that he is no longer 2 and that he is now 3.

"Three means I'm a big boy now, Mom" he continues to tell me. He even declared "Now that I'm three, I can go on the potty." This has been his first expression of interest in potty training, and although he has only wanted to sit on the potty once since then, it's a start.

He also gave me a "list" of things he can do now that he is three and a big boy: he can walk down the stairs by himself (a skill he has had since he was under 2 but Laura's arrival brought back a strong desire in him to be carried), cut his own food with a (plastic) knife, and help me with all kinds of projects, especially those that involved flat or phillips head screw-drivers and scissors, pour his own cereal, crack an egg and push the buttons on the microwave to cook his food.

He is growing up. The thought of him being a "big boy" sometimes brings a huge smile to my face but it also sometimes brings me a little fear and sadness. Fear because I want to keep him safe and close and protected from the harsh realities of life, even though I know that's impossible. Sadness because the older he becomes, the more independent he will become. I try to foster independence because I know it's a good thing, but it's also difficult to let go. I'm sure as the years go by, this will be more and more important yet more and more difficult to do.

The night of his birthday, I read him some new stories and tucked him in. R was working late, so I sat down and started reading my book. A little while later, Joey started crying so I went into his room and stroked his hair and asked him what was the matter.

In a small, scared voice he said, "I had a bad dream, Mom."

I asked him if he wanted me to sit down, hold his hand and sing him a song and he immediately said yes, put his tiny hand in mine and closed his eyes again.

As I was gently singing to him, my eyes filled with tears. Yes, he is becoming a big boy now, but he is also still so young and in the most tender way, he is still very much a baby.

Who Do You Miss The Most?

I received one of those "get to know you" emails today-the kind that asks you a bunch of questions so your friends can "get to know you" better. Usually I delete them without responding, but this one was from my 12 year old niece, so I decided to answer the questions and send it back to her. The 4th question down asked: "Who do you miss the most?"

I typed Hannah, Ryan and Abby's names and went on to #5. But later, I began to really think about this question and my answer. Do I miss Hannah, Ryan and Abby? Can I miss them if I never really had the chance to know them?

Surely I miss the opportunity to raise them, teach them and parent them. I miss the opportunity to know them, watch their personalities develop and help shape their values and morals. But does this mean I miss them, as people, or do I miss the opportunity of them?

I don't know.

When I was pregnant, I imagined who they would be, based on their movements. Abby was always kicking and jabbing me , hard and often. I dreamed I would be chasing her around the house because she was my wild one. Hannah was active but her kicks were more gentle-like bumps, so even though I felt her often, I pictured her to be quieter, more gentle and feminine. And Ryan, he wouldn't kick often, but when he did, it was constant and furious. He was my sweet little boy but he had a strong spirit and a stubborn side.

When I was pregnant with Joey, he kicked and moved all the time. Once, he kicked me so hard he knocked the wind out of me. I was sure he would be on-the-go nonstop. But when Joey was born, he was about as mellow as a baby could be. As a child, he can still sit and focus on something for a long period of time without getting bored and he's gentle and calm.

Laura almost never kicked me. Many times, I would panic because long stretches would pass without any movement and I would head to labor and delivery for an ultrasound-thankfully to learn that she was fine. Based on my pregnancy with her, one would expected her to be super laid-back. But Laura's nickname is "Spit-and-Beans" shortened from "a spit-fire who is full of beans". She is up at 5:45 every morning and is raring to go. There is nothing mellow about her.

When I think of the dreams I had for Hannah, Ryan and Abby while I was pregnant, I realize now that they were just that: dreams. There is no way to know who they would have become or how they would have grown because I didn't have the chance to learn that about them. And realizing how wrong I was about my living children, I realize too that the dreams I had about them probably aren't even close to the reality of who they would have been.

So, almost 5 years after they were born, when I think of a question like #4, "Who do you miss the most"? I feel confused. Is it possible to miss a person you never knew? Or is what I feel more of a longing for them? Is there a difference between missing and longing? I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is a love that I still carry deep within me and how much I miss sharing that love with them.

Maybe you don't need to know someone well to miss them, maybe you only need to love them.

I just don't know...

petty, petty, petty...

R and I live in a wonderful community with woods and walking trails, 2 lakes-one with a beach and floating dock for swimming and one that we stock for fishing. Most of our neighbors have kids and we can let our kids outside to play without having to be overly concerned for their safety. It's truly a town stuck in a time warp and we love it.

R is the current president of our little neighborhood association and I have recently starting doing a newsletter for the neighborhood. We have 78 homes in our community and almost everyone who lives here is pleasant.

Except 2 couples. One of them is the recent past-president. He's a social man but he's a hot-head and pretty controlling. He seems to be very bitter that he wasn't voted in again for a board position and he seems to be angry at R because he is the new president (although R didn't run against this man, he accepted a nomination afterwards, when we didn't have a president).

The other to people are the wife of the past-president and their neighbor. They seem to have a grudge against anything that's happening in the community. R ignores them and basically only deals with them when he absolutely has to. He's much better at staying neutral and not getting emotionally involved. When they attack him (publicly through email and letters to our entire community) I get upset.

This morning, I was happily walking my children and my dog on a blissfully sunny day distributing the newsletter that I had just finished publishing. It was the kind of experience that made me feel good to be alive, there was a light breeze, trees are in bloom, people were out and about and and I was proud of the newsletter I had recently put together. I was sure there were some errors in it, but for the most part, it's a good piece of work and doing it helps me maintain some level of intellectual use of my brain.

I just put the kids down for a nap and checked my email and there were 3 emails-one from each of the people I mentioned above and they completely ripped me apart for the newsletter. They found so many things "wrong" with it and they proceeded to point every single thing that they saw "wrong" out. The negativity was overwhelming and quite frankly, depressing.

I know they are trying to evoke an emotional response from me, which they have. However, instead of responding to their emails and the demands they have made regarding an explanation of some of the errors (um, they were mistakes?) I have chosen to vent my frustration here and delete their emails.

But, I just don't understand how people can be so petty and expend so much energy creating negativity. It's just mind-boggling.

In One Week....

my little boy will turn 3 years old. Is it possible to feel nostalgic when only three years have passed? Today, as I watched him pour his own cereal into his bowl, I realized that the little baby I gave birth to three years ago, is no more. He's not even a toddler. He's a boy.

I have to say, I'm enjoying the heck out of him right now. Three is a fun age (minus the tantrums and assertiveness). I'm having a little birthday party for him next week and he's been very involved with the planning-he told me which 4 friends he would like to have, he helped me "write" out the invitations and we put them in the mail together. He's excited about his party-it's a construction theme with games and a construction cone pinata that he helped me make and he's requested a "flat bed tractor trailer" cake. (Thankfully, I'm a certified cake decorator!)

The neat thing about all this is the milestone he's developed: anticipation. At Christmas time, he was excited about Santa coming, but only because we made a big deal about it, not because he understood it. At Christmas time, he hadn't really developed anticipation and now, 5 months later, he has.

With a baby, the milestones are pretty obvious-rolling, sitting, crawling, etc. Of course, there are more subtle milestones, too (pincher grasp, some of the cognitive processes, etc) but with a little boy (or girl) the major milestones can almost go unnoticed because they are so subtle (the use of prepositions in language (as well as other language developments), the understanding of cause and effect in a thought process, the concept of time becomes more relevant, etc) but they are no less significant and important. I love watching these things develop and emerge.

Anyway, it's hard to believe that in just 7 days, my little boy will turn 3 years old. I'd be lying if I said there haven't been days when I've wanted to pull my hair out and cry, but for the most part, the past 3 years with my little man have been wonderful and full of fun-so much more so than I ever imagined they would be!