Saying Goodbye

In 6 days from now, my membership will expire from a comprehensive support site that I have participated in for 5 years. I have already written about this in a previous post, but now that's it's so close, I need to write about it again.

The women there supported me through the darkest days of my grief, through all the ups and downs of trying to conceive again, the roller coaster of emotions that surrounded my subsequent pregnancies (and the complications I experienced) and through the early days of nursing, sleep deprivation and parenting after experiencing such a devastating loss. There were times in the past 5 years that I needed a lot of support and was unable to give much back and there were other times when I provided a lot of support and didn't need much myself. In the midst of trying times, it was my lifeline and the women I "met" there are truly wonderful, caring people.

My life now has now developed a sense of normalcy and routine. I feel strong again, have a solid network of friends, and I'm fortunate that a few of them are special people whom I can talk to about almost anything. I am not afraid to reach out and share things about Hannah, Ryan and Abby with some of them, but it is a rare moment anymore when I feel a need to do this.

For a brief while after Joey was born, my feelings were all jumbled up~I was overjoyed and in love with the son that I held in my arms but my heart also ached for the children that I would never hold again. I felt the harsh reality of what was lost when Hannah, Ryan and Abby died: it was not the opportunity to love them-for there is no doubt that I love them-but it was the opportunity to know them. Although I never felt guilty for being so happy that Joey was here, there were many times (especially late at night when I was nursing him) that I would cry tears for Hannah, Ryan and Abby and then feel terribly guilty for not cherishing that time with Joey. In those early days, when everything was so new and confusing, the site and the women were really helpful and supportive. But once my hormones balanced out, I started getting more sleep and we developed a routine, I realized that I could love Joey and mourn Hannah, Ryan and Abby at the same time and that I wasn't shafting any of them. I also developed a confidence that Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births would not fundamentally affect the way I parent Joey or Laura.

And so in 6 days, I will no longer log on to the site that sustained me in my early days of grief and followed me through my years of recovery. This site was one small way that I stayed connected with Hannah, Ryan and Abby on a regular basis and so leaving it has made me just a little sad.