5 years ago, R and I decided to "host" Thanksgiving dinner. It was just 3 short weeks after Hannah, Ryan and Abby were born and I think we were both hoping that having something to do would help us through the holiday. I don't remember much, except that R grilled the turkey and burned it, char and I cried throughout Grace and most of the dinner. It was a very sad day and although I knew there were things I was Thankful for, I couldn't see them.
This year, we decided to host it again. The turkey was grilled to perfection, our table looked beautiful, and the house was full of life. We had my sister and her 4 children, my brother and sister-in-law and their 2 children, my parents and my grandma. It was complete chaos as the kids played and laughed and got alone the way only family can. When it was finally time to eat, we all sat around the tables and my 7 year old niece said Grace. I was listening to her, but I was also thinking about Hannah, Ryan and Abby.
This year, though, as I looked down the table at my family, I smiled and my heart filled with joy. This year, I can clearly feel and see all the things that I am Thankful for.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Saying Goodbye
In 6 days from now, my membership will expire from a comprehensive support site that I have participated in for 5 years. I have already written about this in a previous post, but now that's it's so close, I need to write about it again.
The women there supported me through the darkest days of my grief, through all the ups and downs of trying to conceive again, the roller coaster of emotions that surrounded my subsequent pregnancies (and the complications I experienced) and through the early days of nursing, sleep deprivation and parenting after experiencing such a devastating loss. There were times in the past 5 years that I needed a lot of support and was unable to give much back and there were other times when I provided a lot of support and didn't need much myself. In the midst of trying times, it was my lifeline and the women I "met" there are truly wonderful, caring people.
My life now has now developed a sense of normalcy and routine. I feel strong again, have a solid network of friends, and I'm fortunate that a few of them are special people whom I can talk to about almost anything. I am not afraid to reach out and share things about Hannah, Ryan and Abby with some of them, but it is a rare moment anymore when I feel a need to do this.
For a brief while after Joey was born, my feelings were all jumbled up~I was overjoyed and in love with the son that I held in my arms but my heart also ached for the children that I would never hold again. I felt the harsh reality of what was lost when Hannah, Ryan and Abby died: it was not the opportunity to love them-for there is no doubt that I love them-but it was the opportunity to know them. Although I never felt guilty for being so happy that Joey was here, there were many times (especially late at night when I was nursing him) that I would cry tears for Hannah, Ryan and Abby and then feel terribly guilty for not cherishing that time with Joey. In those early days, when everything was so new and confusing, the site and the women were really helpful and supportive. But once my hormones balanced out, I started getting more sleep and we developed a routine, I realized that I could love Joey and mourn Hannah, Ryan and Abby at the same time and that I wasn't shafting any of them. I also developed a confidence that Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births would not fundamentally affect the way I parent Joey or Laura.
And so in 6 days, I will no longer log on to the site that sustained me in my early days of grief and followed me through my years of recovery. This site was one small way that I stayed connected with Hannah, Ryan and Abby on a regular basis and so leaving it has made me just a little sad.
The women there supported me through the darkest days of my grief, through all the ups and downs of trying to conceive again, the roller coaster of emotions that surrounded my subsequent pregnancies (and the complications I experienced) and through the early days of nursing, sleep deprivation and parenting after experiencing such a devastating loss. There were times in the past 5 years that I needed a lot of support and was unable to give much back and there were other times when I provided a lot of support and didn't need much myself. In the midst of trying times, it was my lifeline and the women I "met" there are truly wonderful, caring people.
My life now has now developed a sense of normalcy and routine. I feel strong again, have a solid network of friends, and I'm fortunate that a few of them are special people whom I can talk to about almost anything. I am not afraid to reach out and share things about Hannah, Ryan and Abby with some of them, but it is a rare moment anymore when I feel a need to do this.
For a brief while after Joey was born, my feelings were all jumbled up~I was overjoyed and in love with the son that I held in my arms but my heart also ached for the children that I would never hold again. I felt the harsh reality of what was lost when Hannah, Ryan and Abby died: it was not the opportunity to love them-for there is no doubt that I love them-but it was the opportunity to know them. Although I never felt guilty for being so happy that Joey was here, there were many times (especially late at night when I was nursing him) that I would cry tears for Hannah, Ryan and Abby and then feel terribly guilty for not cherishing that time with Joey. In those early days, when everything was so new and confusing, the site and the women were really helpful and supportive. But once my hormones balanced out, I started getting more sleep and we developed a routine, I realized that I could love Joey and mourn Hannah, Ryan and Abby at the same time and that I wasn't shafting any of them. I also developed a confidence that Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births would not fundamentally affect the way I parent Joey or Laura.
And so in 6 days, I will no longer log on to the site that sustained me in my early days of grief and followed me through my years of recovery. This site was one small way that I stayed connected with Hannah, Ryan and Abby on a regular basis and so leaving it has made me just a little sad.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Getting Away
R and I are back from our vacation. I must admit that going into it, I was a bit nervous that we wouldn't know what to talk about now~for so long, our lives were consumed with grief, trying to conceive, the high risk pregnancies and then life as new parents. It's not that we don't talk at home, because we do, but it's different when you don't have every day life distractions and kids to focus on.
Thankfully, that wasn't the case. If anything, the opposite happened. R and I reconnected in a way we haven't since prior to Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births. We went into the trip as parents taking a much needed vacation from their lives and we came home as husband and wife, excited to see our kids. It was refreshing, relaxing and rekindling.
For both of us, this trip was symbolic of a new beginning, the start of a new chapter in our lives. We both still honor and remember Hannah, Ryan and Abby (each in our own special way), but the dark, painful days of grieving are behind us now. It's very liberating not having to focus our time, energy and money trying to build a family. It frees us up to focus on our family as well as our future and our every day life.
We are now home from a spectacular get-away. It's unlikely we'll take another 7 day trip without the kids any time soon, but we both have recognized the importance of getting away together and we've committed to prioritizing weekend trips every now and then.
It's so nice to be able to finally do this.
Thankfully, that wasn't the case. If anything, the opposite happened. R and I reconnected in a way we haven't since prior to Hannah, Ryan and Abby's births. We went into the trip as parents taking a much needed vacation from their lives and we came home as husband and wife, excited to see our kids. It was refreshing, relaxing and rekindling.
For both of us, this trip was symbolic of a new beginning, the start of a new chapter in our lives. We both still honor and remember Hannah, Ryan and Abby (each in our own special way), but the dark, painful days of grieving are behind us now. It's very liberating not having to focus our time, energy and money trying to build a family. It frees us up to focus on our family as well as our future and our every day life.
We are now home from a spectacular get-away. It's unlikely we'll take another 7 day trip without the kids any time soon, but we both have recognized the importance of getting away together and we've committed to prioritizing weekend trips every now and then.
It's so nice to be able to finally do this.
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