What To Do?

It came today-the letter from my infertility clinic telling me that I have until September 8, 2008 to decide what I want to do with my frozen embryos. I have 4 choices:

1) Keep them frozen
2) Donate to an infertile couple
3) Donate to the clinic for research and training
4) Destroy

When we started this journey, R and I discussed what we would do if we had embryos left. Together, we decided we would donate them to research and training with the hopes that our embryos would, in some way, help someone else. Of course, at that time the embryos we were talking about were purely hypothetical. Now they are real and each one is a biological blend of R and me that could potentially become a person and could carry with him or her all the promise that new life brings.

However, I know we can not use these embryos. If there was one, perhaps 2, maybe I would consider a frozen embryo transfer (FET) but there isn't one or two, there are 7. Knowing I would never transfer more than one embryo again would mean we have 7 more FET attempts ahead of us. I get overwhelmed just thinking about all the hormone treatments, ultrasounds, blood work, driving to and from the clinic, and stress that the process brings. I can't even imagine what that would do to us as a family or to me as a woman, wife and mother. I've done it 9 times. I don't want to do it anymore.

So I read my choices again and think about each one.

Keep Them Frozen: Storing them, when I know we will never use them, isn't a good idea, financially or emotionally. It just prolongs the decision for another year and prevents me from truly closing the door and moving forward with my life.

Donate to an Infertility Couple: I so wish I were the kind of person who could donate my embryos to another couple, but I am not. The thought of my biological children and biological siblings of Hannah, Ryan, Abby, Joey and Laura, in this world but not knowing them-it would make me crazy. I would wonder who they are, who they look like, how their life is. It's just not something I can do.

Destroy Them: Destroying them seems like such a waste, not only of human potential, but of the potential to indirectly help other people through the knowledge that may be gleaned through research and training. Destroying them is not an option for me.

That leaves Donating to Research and Training. In my heart, I know that if I'm not going to transfer them that this is the right option for me.

So, why then, didn't I just check the Donate To Research and Training box and mail the letter back? Why did I pick up the phone and call the clinic to find out the exact quality of these embryos? Why can't I stop thinking about them in terms of the potential life that each one of them has? I know I don't want to go through it all again and I'm not even sure I want more children, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let them go, either.