I Don't Want To, Again. I Don't Think...

Because of infertility treatments, pregnancy and nursing, it has been over 2 years since I've had a period and I must say, it's been really nice. I'm very slowly weaning Laura from nursing and since I know I'll never nurse again, I haven't been in any big hurry to stop.

This morning, I got my period. Of course, I knew this could happen and, frankly, I'm a bit surprised it hasn't come earlier, but I was still taken aback a little. It's not that I'm menstruating that threw me off-it's that my body is ovulating again. This means that if I wanted to, I could go back into infertility treatments to try again.

I don't want to get pregnant again. Trying to getting pregnant and being pregnant are too complicated, time consuming and emotionally and financially taxing. Although it would be temporary, I know the stress of another pregnancy would impair my ability to parent Joey and Laura the way I want and it would cause a lot of tension for me and my marriage.

While pregnant with Hannah, Ryan and Abby, I loved the idea of life growing inside me and I know the joy radiated throughout me. With Joey, some of that spark was dimmed, but even through the stress I was still able to marvel and cherish the miracle of it all. However, with Laura's pregnancy, I was so stressed out that I found it too difficult to embrace anything. The pregnancy just felt really long and it was emotionally draining. All I wanted was to speed up time so the pregnancy part would end and I could enjoy my baby. My experiences have stripped me of the ability to take pleasure in the miracle of pregnancy.

And, there are other reasons I don't want to get pregnant again. I'm now almost 40 and my energy level and need for sleep are much different than they were at almost 30. We're at a good place in our life, we've settled into a comfortable routine, met a lot of great friends and we have a nice balance of family time, me time and couple time. Overall, our life is really good. It's easy, it's fun and I'm happy.

So, why then was I so rocked this morning when I realized my body could get pregnant again? I'd like to say it's all hormonal but I don't know that it is. Certainly I'm not going to do anything with this knowledge but it still has me feeling a little unsettled. A little unsure. A little confused...