The last few weeks have been interesting for me (for lack of a better word). So many feelings have surfaced for so many different reasons and I am having difficulty processing everything.
Several weeks ago, a woman I used to work with lost her son. He was a young adult and died suddenly from an aenurism. Although she and I didn't know each other well, she did know about Hannah, Ryan and Abby and she has since reached out to me-looking for hope, for support, for anything that will ease her pain. We have emailed back and forth a few times.
Shortly thereafter, a woman I do not know at all called me. Her BBG triplets were born in April at 23+ weeks and all three of them died shortly after their births. She is devastated and after months of struggling on her own, she finally pulled out the support list of phone numbers given to her by our local hospital and called me. We have been emailing on and off for a few weeks now.
Then, just last week, a childhood friend contacted me because her cousin (a girl I saw periodically growing up but didn't know well) lost a child at 24 weeks. She wanted to know if I would reach out to her because she is struggling so. And I did. And I'm glad I did because I know she felt isolated, lost, hurt, sad and confused and knowing that her feelings are normal has helped her tremendously.
Emailing with these women has been difficult for me in an odd way. I would have expected that all this sorrow would throw me back into the depths of my own grief, but it hasn't.When responding to some of the emails, I have had to go back into my own (written) journals to re-read how I felt so that I can respond with appropriate words for their individual stages of grief. While reading my own words, I have been curiously detached from the woman who wrote them. That woman is a stranger to me in so many ways and reading her words has made me much more aware of how far I have come in the past (almost) 6 years.
However, just today my sister-in-law gave birth to her third child, a healthy baby boy. I took my children over to the hospital to meet him and I was completely unprepared for the emotions that invaded my mind and heart. I had expected to walk into the room and feel nothing but overwhelming love for this beautiful child and joy for my brother and sister-in-law. I did not expect to also feel jealous, sad or lonely. I did not expect for my heart to ache so deeply for my babies who died or for any future babies that I will never have. I did not expect to feel such a strong maternal pull to wrap my arms around my two children, hold them close and cherish whatever baby-ness is left in their 4 and 2 year old minds and bodies.
But I did.
Why is it that near strangers can share their grief, pain and loss with me and I can empathize, understand and support them without having their grief become my grief but I can't simply cherish the birth of my brother and sister-in-laws' son without it bringing some pain?
I will be so happy when those people closest to me have moved beyond the pregnancy and baby stage. It makes me so sad that I couldn't walk into that hospital room and feel nothing but complete joy. Is this a long term effect of grief? Is it a flaw in my own personality? I really don't know...
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2 comments:
It is absolutely not a flaw in your own wonderful personality. And, unfortunately, I do think it may always be a lingering effect of the grief of losing a baby. At least, that's what I am starting to suspect since I too struggle with similar feelings.
And, really, as I am sure you already realize, this is not comparing apples to apples. Empathizing with someone grieving a loss similar to a loss that you yourself have experienced, and sharing joy over a life event that has been a mixed experience for you are two different things.
We are interpersonal and intrapersonal people, whether we want to be or not. When we take in the experience of someone else we can't help but bring in some of our personal experience. When you attend a wedding, I am sure you can't help but reflect back on your own wedding just a bit. You aren't taking away from what the new couple is experiencing. In fact, it may be that you are able to feel even more joy for them because you have positive feelings about your own wedding and marriage.
However, for someone who experienced a divorce, or lost a spouse, I can imagine that attending a wedding would conjure up bittersweet memories and feelings, regardless of how long it had been. I think it is impossible to completely detach from our own experiences even when we are witnessing someone else's major life event.
Having babies is a major life event. For you, that journey has been both joyful and sorrowful. It has been complicated and has had long term implications for your family and your health. It is a journey that did not play out the way you imagined or hoped it would. How can you not bring all that into such a poignant scene as that of a newborn baby with his beaming mom and dad? I would be surprised if you could turn your heart off as easily as that. It's just not you.
There is lots and lots of time for you to get to know your new nephew and to shower him with love and attention. You can allow yourself some room to reflect and remember.
And, it is the beginning of fall... I can feel it in the air here. It's amazing how many emotions begin to surface as the leaves begin to turn. Even now.
Lori~
I can't thank you enough for your words. It helped me a lot to read that someone else expereinces similar feelings-especially since I respect your thoughts and opinions greatly.
I'm very much okay with things now and have even processed a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and see them in a different way. Would I have liked to have a bigger family? Yes. But I also recognize that at 40 years old, I extremely grateful to be getting a full night sleep. I'm happy that I rarely have to work around a nap schedule anymore (Laura only naps occassionally and can be pushed through them very easily, if we're doing something fun) and I love that both my kids have entered the "let's do" phase of life.
What I realized this past week is that one of the things that really threw me for a loop was not so much that I can't have any more kids (because, like I said, at 40 I don't really want more) but that I never had and never will have a normal perspective on concieving, pregnancy and delivery. What I really want is to have a normal conception (yes, I'm blushing), find out I'm pregnant because I'm late, share my HPT results with R when he comes home that night and we can both be super excited. Then share 9 1/2 months of a blissful pg, followed by 2 weeks of complaining that I'm ready for the child to be born because I'm uncomfortable. Then go into labor and deliver a healthy child and feel pure bliss (without any bittersweet emotions thrown in). And that truth is-I could have 10 more pg and none of them will ever be the dream I covet.
So-thank you for your kind words. They helped me a lot and I'm feeling better. Much better.
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