Let me start by stressing that I'm not extremely overweight. I'm just slightly, shall I say, "softened". If I were 10 pounds heavier, I'd be miserable. If I were 10 pounds lighter, I would feel more confident. My confidence wouldn't come from being thin-it would come from ACHIEVING the goal. It would come from the knowledge that I set my mind to it and I did it.
But for some reason, I can't do it.
Before starting my infertility journey-I was very active and I worked out on a regular basis. I was thin, fit, athletic and confident. For the first 6 months of infertility treatments, I did everything I could, when I could, to maintain an active lifestyle and eat healthy meals (most of the time). As time went on and the stress, grief, hormone treatments, and pregnancies happened, my active lifestyle and healthy living were pushed by the wayside and replaced with bedrest, sleep deprivation, ice cream and snack foods. I no longer deal with bedrest or sleep deprivation, but I somehow haven't gotten out of the ice cream and snack food mode.
For years now, I've been saying that "after such and such happens, I'll lose the rest of the weight and get back into shape" Such and Such could be anything: my foot feels better, my kids get older, my dog is calms down...but each time the "such and such" of the day happens, a new "such and such" replaces it.
I know what to do to change things: I certainly don't need to eat Laura's left over mozzarella sticks (Yes, this happened today-she ate 1 and I ate 7) and I don't need to have a sweet at night or the extra serving of rice with dinner. With a little self discipline, things would change drastically. I've tried it before and I drop weight and do really well until I hit about one-hundred-and-good-enough lbs on the scale.And then, for some unknown reason, I stop trying and start gaining again. It's rather frustrating.
And I can't believe that I, April, just dedicated an entire blog entry to this topic. And yet I did. Because the reality is, while I'm only slightly unhappy with my current weight and fitness level, I'm really unhappy with my inability to change it.
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You don't need to justify your frustration to me (or probably about a million other women). I HEAR YOU!!
Fertility drugs, pregnancy and grief really took their toll on me. It has been a battle to even get back to that 100-good-enough lbs for me. And, truthfully, I'm still not there. I have steadily lost weight since having Annie but it has been SLOW!!!
Right now I am currently doing a 2 week fast from sugar and carbs (by carbs, I mean mostly flour based products. I am not counting some condiments and things that other people would count as carbs). I am also still allowing myself natural sugar, as in fruit. I did this about six months ago and it helped to kick start a ten pound weight loss. It was the ONLY thing that finally worked to get me past my plateau (a moderate diet and exercise weren't cutting it). What I did then was to slowly reintroduce those things back into my diet, in moderation, and I was able to maintain the loss. Okay, I gained back 3 pounds in Hawaii...
About a week ago I realized I was ready to break through my new plateau. I still have about 5 lbs. I would like to lose to get to that "now I can feel good about myself" weight. Like you said, it's not so much the number on the scale as it is about feeling healthy and confident and in charge of my body.
So, I'm on Day 3 of this torture (and, yes, it IS torture). :) But, I know from past experience, it will work if I stick to it. It's not fun, but it works. And after the 2 weeks you can absolutely re-introduce those things back into your diet (slowly, and in moderation).
It's one of those things you have to be ready for, I know. After I did it last time, I swore I could never do it again. But, here I am. And, really, it isn't so bad.
I wish it were easier!! I really, really do!! It doesn't seem fair that eating reasonably healthy and exercising regularly really aren't enough. But, at least for me, they aren't.
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