I was never an "Internet" person. I used it as a tool-a way to find directions or information for things I needed. I didn't understand the allure of chat rooms and message boards~honestly, for the longest time I didn't even know they existed...
Then when my pregnancy with Hannah, Ryan and Abby developed complications I found and joined The Triplet Connection. After they died, someone referred me to another site for "Loss Moms". On November 27, 2003 I paid a nominal fee for an upgraded membership and officially joined the online community. Every day, for weeks and months, I would log on and spend time pouring out my soul to women who understood my pain. After a few months, I began responding to newer loss moms and their posts. Eventually, I realized the site was comprehensive, and I found a board for "Trying to Conceive After the Loss of an Infant/Child". When I became pregnant, I moved onto the "Pregnancy after Loss of an Infant/Child" and when that pregnancy became complicated, I posted on the "High Risk Pregnancy" board. This site has everything and so it was easy to find a place to post about what was happening in my life and to read about what was happening with other people and their lives. Although I don't frequent the site as often as I did in the early days, I still log on often.
This summer, I spent most of my time at the shore. I didn't have computer access so while the kids napped, instead of "logging on" I did my chores then sat and read for a while. On the days I was home, I caught up on email, wrote a little here (on my blog) and caught up with friends, but I didn't spend much time on the support site. I was surprised when I realized that I didn't miss it. I was more surprised when I realized that I felt better and stronger than I have in a long time and I think some of that has to do with not being involved in the site.
From my grief/recovery experience, I have a new respect for the Internet and a new appreciation for chat rooms and messages boards. They clearly helped me through the darkest days of my life. However, I think it's time for me to say goodbye to the site. This year, when November 27 rolls around, instead of renewing my membership, I plan to let it expire.
Even though I'm a little nervous to let go, I know in my heart that I'm going to be okay and that's a very peaceful feeling.
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I can completely relate to this. I cut myself off from certain sites and groups awhile ago and I know it was ultimately to my benefit. They had their place, and they were a lifeline at some points, but I believe it is completely healthy to also cut ties at some point.
I still struggle with this at times even in the Blogworld. I want to be a support to newly bereaved moms and yet I think I am healthier and happier when I am not so immersed in that "world." But then again I sometimes still find myself needing the support and validation that comes with talking with other moms who have lost babies. It's a tricky balance and a fine line. I am always trying to evaluate whether I am walking that line correctly.
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