I was never an "Internet" person. I used it as a tool-a way to find directions or information for things I needed. I didn't understand the allure of chat rooms and message boards~honestly, for the longest time I didn't even know they existed...
Then when my pregnancy with Hannah, Ryan and Abby developed complications I found and joined The Triplet Connection. After they died, someone referred me to another site for "Loss Moms". On November 27, 2003 I paid a nominal fee for an upgraded membership and officially joined the online community. Every day, for weeks and months, I would log on and spend time pouring out my soul to women who understood my pain. After a few months, I began responding to newer loss moms and their posts. Eventually, I realized the site was comprehensive, and I found a board for "Trying to Conceive After the Loss of an Infant/Child". When I became pregnant, I moved onto the "Pregnancy after Loss of an Infant/Child" and when that pregnancy became complicated, I posted on the "High Risk Pregnancy" board. This site has everything and so it was easy to find a place to post about what was happening in my life and to read about what was happening with other people and their lives. Although I don't frequent the site as often as I did in the early days, I still log on often.
This summer, I spent most of my time at the shore. I didn't have computer access so while the kids napped, instead of "logging on" I did my chores then sat and read for a while. On the days I was home, I caught up on email, wrote a little here (on my blog) and caught up with friends, but I didn't spend much time on the support site. I was surprised when I realized that I didn't miss it. I was more surprised when I realized that I felt better and stronger than I have in a long time and I think some of that has to do with not being involved in the site.
From my grief/recovery experience, I have a new respect for the Internet and a new appreciation for chat rooms and messages boards. They clearly helped me through the darkest days of my life. However, I think it's time for me to say goodbye to the site. This year, when November 27 rolls around, instead of renewing my membership, I plan to let it expire.
Even though I'm a little nervous to let go, I know in my heart that I'm going to be okay and that's a very peaceful feeling.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Made My Decsion
This morning, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN because I have had a chronic problem (nothing serious) on and off for years but all it takes is a medication and it usually clears right up. This time, I asked the doctor if we should probe further to figure out why I keep having this problem instead of just writing the prescription to clear it up. This was something I never really thought to ask about before, probably because I was too busy being pregnant or post-partum and had many other things on my mind.
She surprised me by saying that it's very common for women in infertility treatments, pregnancy, post-partum or for women who are nursing to have my problem and once those elements are removed, after a course of medication, the condition usually doesn't return. She also added that all the stress that I was under throughout the all these processes probably exasperated my problem. Now that my body is more regular, I will probably be fine.
Later today, I talked with the RE from my clinic. I asked all kinds of questions with the hope that the answers would bring me clarity and comfort with the decision I need to make regarding my embryos. As the conversation was coming to a close, he asked if I wanted to make an established patient consultation to go over all the odds, percentages and options available to us. He said he would transfer me to the front desk for an appointment. I hesitated a little too long and he finally said to me "April, I can't tell you what to do-this is a decision only you and R can make. However, at some point you need to think about your physical health and emotional well-being..."
Today I spoke with two doctors that have my utmost respect and both of them, in subtle ways, confirmed what I know to be true: I am better off closing the door on my infertility journey. And so, today I checked the box "Donate to research and training" and I put the letter in the mail.
I feel sad in many ways. How could I not? But, honestly, I am also relieved. I am no longer ready to move forward. I am moving forward.
======
Later that night, I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't stop thinking that I've made a terrible mistake, that I'm not done having children, that I would use all of the embryos with the hopes of having one or two more children. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and have R put his arm around me and hold me while I cried. Unfortunately, R was traveling that day so all he could do was listen to me over the phone.
The next morning, I was still wondering if I'd made a grave mistake. I even thought about calling the clinic to see if they would rip up the form and bill me for another year of storage, instead. But, I didn't do this.
Now, almost 5 days later, I still feel sad, but I know that it will fade. It does make me feel better knowing that my embryos will be used for training-that the embryologists will study them and learn how to find and test different chromosomes. I'm holding onto the belief that my embryos will help save a family from having a child with T-18 or some other chromosomal factor that is incompatible with life.
She surprised me by saying that it's very common for women in infertility treatments, pregnancy, post-partum or for women who are nursing to have my problem and once those elements are removed, after a course of medication, the condition usually doesn't return. She also added that all the stress that I was under throughout the all these processes probably exasperated my problem. Now that my body is more regular, I will probably be fine.
Later today, I talked with the RE from my clinic. I asked all kinds of questions with the hope that the answers would bring me clarity and comfort with the decision I need to make regarding my embryos. As the conversation was coming to a close, he asked if I wanted to make an established patient consultation to go over all the odds, percentages and options available to us. He said he would transfer me to the front desk for an appointment. I hesitated a little too long and he finally said to me "April, I can't tell you what to do-this is a decision only you and R can make. However, at some point you need to think about your physical health and emotional well-being..."
Today I spoke with two doctors that have my utmost respect and both of them, in subtle ways, confirmed what I know to be true: I am better off closing the door on my infertility journey. And so, today I checked the box "Donate to research and training" and I put the letter in the mail.
I feel sad in many ways. How could I not? But, honestly, I am also relieved. I am no longer ready to move forward. I am moving forward.
======
Later that night, I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't stop thinking that I've made a terrible mistake, that I'm not done having children, that I would use all of the embryos with the hopes of having one or two more children. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and have R put his arm around me and hold me while I cried. Unfortunately, R was traveling that day so all he could do was listen to me over the phone.
The next morning, I was still wondering if I'd made a grave mistake. I even thought about calling the clinic to see if they would rip up the form and bill me for another year of storage, instead. But, I didn't do this.
Now, almost 5 days later, I still feel sad, but I know that it will fade. It does make me feel better knowing that my embryos will be used for training-that the embryologists will study them and learn how to find and test different chromosomes. I'm holding onto the belief that my embryos will help save a family from having a child with T-18 or some other chromosomal factor that is incompatible with life.
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