What To Do?

It came today-the letter from my infertility clinic telling me that I have until September 8, 2008 to decide what I want to do with my frozen embryos. I have 4 choices:

1) Keep them frozen
2) Donate to an infertile couple
3) Donate to the clinic for research and training
4) Destroy

When we started this journey, R and I discussed what we would do if we had embryos left. Together, we decided we would donate them to research and training with the hopes that our embryos would, in some way, help someone else. Of course, at that time the embryos we were talking about were purely hypothetical. Now they are real and each one is a biological blend of R and me that could potentially become a person and could carry with him or her all the promise that new life brings.

However, I know we can not use these embryos. If there was one, perhaps 2, maybe I would consider a frozen embryo transfer (FET) but there isn't one or two, there are 7. Knowing I would never transfer more than one embryo again would mean we have 7 more FET attempts ahead of us. I get overwhelmed just thinking about all the hormone treatments, ultrasounds, blood work, driving to and from the clinic, and stress that the process brings. I can't even imagine what that would do to us as a family or to me as a woman, wife and mother. I've done it 9 times. I don't want to do it anymore.

So I read my choices again and think about each one.

Keep Them Frozen: Storing them, when I know we will never use them, isn't a good idea, financially or emotionally. It just prolongs the decision for another year and prevents me from truly closing the door and moving forward with my life.

Donate to an Infertility Couple: I so wish I were the kind of person who could donate my embryos to another couple, but I am not. The thought of my biological children and biological siblings of Hannah, Ryan, Abby, Joey and Laura, in this world but not knowing them-it would make me crazy. I would wonder who they are, who they look like, how their life is. It's just not something I can do.

Destroy Them: Destroying them seems like such a waste, not only of human potential, but of the potential to indirectly help other people through the knowledge that may be gleaned through research and training. Destroying them is not an option for me.

That leaves Donating to Research and Training. In my heart, I know that if I'm not going to transfer them that this is the right option for me.

So, why then, didn't I just check the Donate To Research and Training box and mail the letter back? Why did I pick up the phone and call the clinic to find out the exact quality of these embryos? Why can't I stop thinking about them in terms of the potential life that each one of them has? I know I don't want to go through it all again and I'm not even sure I want more children, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let them go, either.

I Don't Want To, Again. I Don't Think...

Because of infertility treatments, pregnancy and nursing, it has been over 2 years since I've had a period and I must say, it's been really nice. I'm very slowly weaning Laura from nursing and since I know I'll never nurse again, I haven't been in any big hurry to stop.

This morning, I got my period. Of course, I knew this could happen and, frankly, I'm a bit surprised it hasn't come earlier, but I was still taken aback a little. It's not that I'm menstruating that threw me off-it's that my body is ovulating again. This means that if I wanted to, I could go back into infertility treatments to try again.

I don't want to get pregnant again. Trying to getting pregnant and being pregnant are too complicated, time consuming and emotionally and financially taxing. Although it would be temporary, I know the stress of another pregnancy would impair my ability to parent Joey and Laura the way I want and it would cause a lot of tension for me and my marriage.

While pregnant with Hannah, Ryan and Abby, I loved the idea of life growing inside me and I know the joy radiated throughout me. With Joey, some of that spark was dimmed, but even through the stress I was still able to marvel and cherish the miracle of it all. However, with Laura's pregnancy, I was so stressed out that I found it too difficult to embrace anything. The pregnancy just felt really long and it was emotionally draining. All I wanted was to speed up time so the pregnancy part would end and I could enjoy my baby. My experiences have stripped me of the ability to take pleasure in the miracle of pregnancy.

And, there are other reasons I don't want to get pregnant again. I'm now almost 40 and my energy level and need for sleep are much different than they were at almost 30. We're at a good place in our life, we've settled into a comfortable routine, met a lot of great friends and we have a nice balance of family time, me time and couple time. Overall, our life is really good. It's easy, it's fun and I'm happy.

So, why then was I so rocked this morning when I realized my body could get pregnant again? I'd like to say it's all hormonal but I don't know that it is. Certainly I'm not going to do anything with this knowledge but it still has me feeling a little unsettled. A little unsure. A little confused...