Going Shopping...

For a while after Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, I turned my anger towards the Church. I felt like what I had learned about God growing up had failed me in my greatest time of need and when I turned to my Church for comfort I felt as if I had somehow failed them (Hannah, Ryan and Abby) because I didn't pray hard enough, or the right way, or that I wasn't Christian enough for God to save them. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my own anger and sadness and needing a place to put those feelings, but some of it had to do with the Minister, his sermons and how adamant he was about what I *should* do regarding Hannah, Ryan and Abbys' cremains.

However, over the years, I have thought about going back-perhaps not to the same Church (although they have a new Minister now, so it's a possibility). Now that Joey is 3 1/2 years old, I realize that I can not take on the task of teaching him about God without the Church to guide and support me. So, this year, I will try different services until I find a Church I feel comfortable calling "home".

Last week I attended the Contemporary Family Service of one of the Churches on my list. I had not yet attended a "contemporary" service, although I have noticed that many of the Churches are going this route for the Family Service. Instantly, I noticed there are many differences between "contemporary" and "traditional" services: instead of the Choir, they had a Jazz band (who was quite good, actually), the Minister was in plain clothes and the service was held in the social hall (with coffee and snacks provided) and they used a power point presentation to illustrate points. The one thing I did really like about it was when it came time for prayers for celebration or healing, the Minister talked about the power of prayer's ability to heal us spiritually instead of physically. He never once said "We pray for so-and-so to get better" but he did say "We pray for so-and-so and hope that God's presence will ease his pain" (or help the family, etc). This was certainly something different from what I had in my previous Church.

When I thought about it later, I liked the Minister's approach towards prayer, but I don't know that the "contemporary" approach is what I'm looking for. I think I like the more formal, traditional style. The rituals that I learned in my youth (everything from the songs to the prayer readings) meant a lot to me during my wedding and have always provided me with a sense of comfort at any funeral service I have ever attending, include Hannah, Ryan and Abby's.

I have not crossed this Church off my list, but this Sunday, I am going to a more traditional service. We shall see...

Wait and See...

I strongly dislike not knowing what I'm dealing with. I am not a "stick your head in the sand" kind of person and I handle things much better when I know, rather than when I'm waiting to know.

But, that's where we are with my Mom. She was discharged from the hospital yesterday-not because she is well again-but because there is nothing more they could do for her there. She was sent home on a rather high level of supplemental oxygen and steroid medication and now all there is to do is wait and see.

What we're waiting for is her lungs heal enough so the doctors can figure out what the underlying lung disease(s) is and whether or not it is reversible, progressive or stable. There is a chance she'll come off oxygen. There is a chance she won't. There is a chance she'll get better. There is a chance she won't. And there is chance she'll get worse until the disease takes her life. They can not tell us anything else.

Limbo. It's a terrible place to be...